I often wonder what God has planned for me.
I desire to be many things for myself and for others. But, I continue to have this nagging ache to just be peaceful and whole. That is something internal that can't necessarily be acted out or shown. That is a desire of my heart. And that I don't know how to be.
I feel scarred and broken. That I know how to be. That I am. But I want more. I want- I desire a genuine peace in my heart and I just don't know if that will ever be.
I wonder if my ability to feel whole and complete has been taken. Maybe that is just not for me? When a part of you is gone from this earth, how can you ever be complete again?
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At night, as I try to sleep, I re-live each moment leading up to Jeremiah's birth.
I remember the early morning contractions. I remember the denial. I remember watching each passing minute on the clock. I remember my tearful phone call to my sister asking if she would watch my son so I could go to the doctor's.
I remember driving to my doctor's office alone- unable to reach my husband. I remember my relief as I finally got ahold of him.
I remember sitting in the waiting room with my husband waiting to be called to see the doctor. I remember my fear growing with each passing contraction. I remember seeing my beautiful, healthy baby boy on the ultrasound screen. I remember the look on the doctor's face as she confirmed that my worst nightmare and greatest fear was happening again.
I can literally hear my own screams of agony as I heard the words come out of my doctor's mouth. I remember the blood.
I remember the look on my husbands face as his heart broke once again.
I remember my heart breaking. I can feel my heart breaking- over and over and over again.
I remember another stage of denial and my brief hope that everything would somehow still be okay.
I remember my realization that I would deliver my son much, much to soon...
I remember asking for gloves to wear because a part of me was afraid of all of the blood. There was so much of it. I am ashamed to admit that the first time I held my little boy, I was wearing rubber gloves.
I remember quickly taking off the gloves as soon as I realized I had nothing to fear. I held a blessing in my arms, my precious baby boy, and craddled him in all my love.
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Nearly every night this is what I remember.
And I wonder... Is the desire for genuine and pure peace in my heart too much to achieve in this lifetime?
Maybe that will just have to wait for when I get to heaven???
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P.S. Don't worry. I have no plans to get to heaven any time soon. :) My work here is far from done.
