Today was our beloved Jeremiah's 4th heavenly birthday.
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It's been 11 years and 4 years since we said good-bye to our boys. Although the years have passed, I can tell you that my grief has never fully disappeared. Its intensity has lessened and the grip that it has had on my life has certainly changed, but it's always there in one form or another. It's such a big part of who I am and in acknowledging and knowing that, years ago I made the choice to embrace it and not to ignore it. I know that the greatest and deepest changes in my life have been the direct result of the lives and deaths of my sons, my grief in losing them and my journey through healing.
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A friend of mine shared a blog post with me recently. I wish I had written it myself because it so perfectly states how I feel and where I'm at in my journey.
Here is part of it:
{ I Mention Him }
Not to make you uncomfortable,
He's my son, I should be able to talk about him.
Not to dwell,
He will forever be my son, part of my life, my heart.
Not to make you feel guilty,
He is a child just like your own, but he's in Heaven.
Not to bring you down,
It brings me joy to speak of him fondly.
Not to get attention,
He exists in my life just as your topics of conversation exists in yours.
Not to gain sympathy,
Believe you me, I wish I did not have to speak on him the past tense.
Not to bring you down,
My grief is lifelong, my healing is in the only life he has now, his mommy.
Not to rub it in your face,
I would never wish this on ANYONE!
Not to make it about me,
I am just another parent trying to speak of my kids the way you do yours.
Not to suck you into my world,
Your world is just as important to me.
Not to distract you,
I want to hear how your life is going, your happiness is relevant.
Not to take away from the conversation,
Yet life as well as death is a part of common conversation.
Not to make my life seem more important than yours,
I am my own person in my own journey and I share what is in my heart just as you do.
Not to remind you of your own grief,
We all walk our own paths and stumble as all humans do, we should pick each other up.
Not to garner your support,
Everyone gives whatever they can to enrich the lives of the ones they care for.
Not to remind you,
No one needs to be reminded of the loss of a child.
Not to haunt you,
He is my son, I mention him, his life, his passing, and the times since then
because I live every one of those moments in real time everyday.
because I live every one of those moments in real time everyday.
He is a part of my being.
He is a part of my soul.
He has a place in my heart.
I carried him in my womb.
I watched him struggle.
And although I had to let him go physically-
Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, he will ALWAYS be with me!
{ Written by Trey's Mommy }
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I share this with you because I feel like there is this expectation that there should come a time, when you should 'get over your grief.' Sometimes I feel like such a Debbie Downer mentioning my boys and sharing how their lives, still to this day, continue to impact my life. I carry around these emotions of wanting to share, but feeling like I should hold back as to not burden others. It's a conflicted place to be.
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Aiden and Jeremiah have brought so much joy to my life; even though this joy is rooted in and intimately connected to a deep pain.
Today, my grief may be a little quieter.
Today, my grief may be a little quieter.
My joy may be greater.
But my love for my boys is as strong and deep as ever!
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Happy Birthday sweet baby boy! Thank you for the unending gifts you have given me!
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Happy Birthday sweet baby boy! Thank you for the unending gifts you have given me!
