tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52524827373406014432024-02-20T22:15:44.269-08:00My JourneyJolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-22471819287274278202016-07-02T06:03:00.000-07:002016-07-02T06:13:26.544-07:00I remember you<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Sweet baby boy,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember picking out your crib.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember watching my belly grow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif;">I remember finding out you were a boy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif;">I remember the sweet and innocent joy!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember you.</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif;">I remember leaking amniotic fluid.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember waiting in the Emergency Room.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember when the contractions started.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember being loaded into an ambulance.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember the lights and sirens.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember not understanding.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember hoping.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember praying.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember the tears.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember the blood.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember you.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember the nurse who sat at the edge of my bed.<br />I remember she held my hand as I began to understand.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember meeting with the NICU team.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember learning that you were just too little.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember asking to take one last walk with you.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember embracing you within my womb.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember being wheeled out into the fresh air.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember holding your daddy's hand.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember the flowers in bloom.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember you.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember the day turning to night.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember your heartbeat.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember my body failing.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember losing hope.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember my heartache.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember you.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember the fever.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember being told that it's time.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember holding on.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember my fear.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember being told to push.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Baby boy, I remember you.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember NOT pushing.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember refusing to let go.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember trying to hold on with every fiber in my being.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember when I could hold on no longer.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember you, sweet baby boy.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember your tiny hands and tiny feet.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember your little fingers and toes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember your little bottom and baby boy parts.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember that little tuft of hair under your bottom lip.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember your perfection.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember not ever wanting to let go.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember holding you.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And loving you.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And holding you.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And loving you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="text-align: start;">My beautiful baby boy.</span><br style="text-align: start;" /><span style="text-align: start;">My first-born son.</span><br style="text-align: start;" /><span style="text-align: start;">I love you.</span><br style="text-align: start;" /><span style="text-align: start;">And I will always remember the wonderful blessing of you.</span><br style="text-align: start;" /><br style="text-align: start;" /><span style="text-align: start;">Happy 12th birthday in heaven.</span><br style="text-align: start;" /><span style="text-align: start;"><i>Thank you for being mine.</i> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span>Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-56668870026800095962015-08-04T21:37:00.000-07:002015-08-04T21:58:04.101-07:00I Mention Him<div class="text parbase text-4 section" style="background-color: white; color: #281b21; font-family: sl-Apres; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
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Today was our beloved Jeremiah's 4th heavenly birthday.</div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.8;">It's been 11 years and 4 years since we said good-bye to our boys. Although the years have passed, I can tell you that my grief has never fully disappeared. Its intensity has lessened and the grip </span><span style="line-height: 1.8;">that it has had on my life has certainly changed, but it's always there in one form or another. It's such a big part of who I am and in acknowledging and knowing that, years ago </span><span style="line-height: 1.8;">I made the choice to embrace it and not to ignore it. I know that the greatest and deepest changes in my life have been the direct result of the lives and deaths of my sons, my grief in losing them and my journey through healing.</span></div>
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A friend of mine shared a blog post with me recently. I wish I had written it myself because it so perfectly states how I feel and where I'm at in my journey. </div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.8;">Here is part of it:</span></div>
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{ I Mention Him }<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Not to make you uncomfortable,<o:p></o:p></div>
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He's my son, I should be able to talk about him.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to dwell,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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He will forever be my son, part of my life, my heart.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to make you feel guilty,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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He is a child just like your own, but he's in Heaven.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to bring you down,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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It brings me joy to speak of him fondly.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to get attention,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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He exists in my life just as your topics of conversation exists in yours.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to gain sympathy,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Believe you me, I wish I did not have to speak on him the past tense.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to bring you down,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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My grief is lifelong, my healing is in the only life he has now, his mommy.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to rub it in your face,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I would never wish this on ANYONE!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to make it about me,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I am just another parent trying to speak of my kids the way you do yours.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to suck you into my world,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Your world is just as important to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to distract you,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I want to hear how your life is going, your happiness is relevant.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to take away from the conversation,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yet life as well as death is a part of common conversation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to make my life seem more important than yours,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I am my own person in my own journey and I share what is in my heart just as you do.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to remind you of your own grief,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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We all walk our own paths and stumble as all humans do, we should pick each other up.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to garner your support,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Everyone gives whatever they can to enrich the lives of the ones they care for.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to remind you,</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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No one needs to be reminded of the loss of a child.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Not to haunt you,</div>
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<o:p></o:p>It sucks, it truly does but not speaking of him haunts those who love him.</div>
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He is my son, I mention him, his life, his passing, and the times since then<br />
because I live every one of those moments in real time everyday. </div>
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He is a part of my being. </div>
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He is a part of my soul. </div>
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He has a place in my heart. </div>
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I carried him in my womb. </div>
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I watched him struggle. </div>
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And although I had to let him go physically- </div>
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Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, he will ALWAYS be with me! </div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.8;">{ Written by Trey's Mommy }</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.8;">----------------------------------------------</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.8;">I share this with you because I feel like there is this expectation that there should come a time, when you should 'get over your grief.' </span><span style="line-height: 1.8;">Sometimes I feel like such a Debbie Downer mentioning my boys and sharing how their lives, still to this day, continue </span><span style="line-height: 1.8;">to impact my life. I carry around these emotions of wanting to share, but feeling like I should hold back as to not burden others. </span><span style="line-height: 1.8;">It's a conflicted place to be. </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.8;">---------------------------------------------- </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.8;"><span style="line-height: 28.7999992370605px;">Aiden and Jeremiah have brought so much joy to my life; even though this joy is rooted in and intimately connected to a deep pain. </span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.8;"><br /></span>
<span style="line-height: 1.8;">Today, my grief may be a little quieter.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.8;">My joy may be greater.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.8;">But my love for my boys is as strong and deep as ever!</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 1.8;">-------------------------------------------</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.8;"><br /></span>
<span style="line-height: 1.8;">Happy Birthday sweet baby boy! Thank you for the unending gifts you have given me!</span></div>
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Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-16873928142249059292014-10-12T21:05:00.000-07:002014-10-12T21:05:34.389-07:00Capture your Grief - Week 1<span class="fbPhotoCaptionText" style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Capture Your Grief is an act of remembrance and awareness. It is a mindful healing project for anyone who is grieving the death of a baby or child of any age or gestation. I hope to bring awareness and compassion to the bereaved parent’s community by participating throughout the month of October- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.<br /><br /> My grief is not as raw as is used to be, but it will forever be a part of me and my healing is very much a continuous and on-going process. I haven’t taken part in ‘Capture Your Grief’ before and was hesitant to do so this year, but I remember how alone and misunderstood I have felt in the past and in an attempt to save others from this hurt, I will share my heart and my journey throughout the month. <br /><br />So, in honor of our boys, Aiden and Jeremiah, and in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, here we go... </span><br />
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<span class="fbPhotoCaptionText"></span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">There are 31 subjects for Capture Your Grief, one for each day in the month of October. I will try to share a photo that captures my journey with each daily subject that inspires my heart.</span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnn_tH87AK89mgkyOSzZ1NIkpYdsUc_PeMzTcCq-umLLmTJRuoGerF1AMFc-M67C1vvDKeG3oEDbg23ZJ-rfyFt8GqrelkVL9AiHv8GRKWnEULcc7DJ-OR-KK3mwmNbzd3x-PsOYrHiYg/s1600/Sunrise.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span></a><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Day 1: Sunrise<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">So, it’s not exactly a sunrise. It’s a
day-late-and-many-hours-past-sunrise picture. But, such is life… It doesn’t
always go as planned now does it?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">In the early days of my grief, waking
up each morning was such a chore. There was no gratefulness in my heart for
being blessed with another day of living. Through my eyes, it was simply
another day without my son(s) and facing these days, with the reality of my
life before me and the pain I felt deep down in my soul, it just felt
unbearable. I knew that I had to keep on living, but I hated that life wouldn’t
slow down. I couldn’t make sense of my son’s life and death. I hated the pain
in my heart.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“Because of the Lord’ great love we
are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.” – Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">We often can get stuck living in our
grief, or living in the past or the future, but this verse reminds me that God
wants me to live one day at a time. His grace and His compassions, they are new
every morning.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Each day, we should live filled with
God’s joy, love and excitement for that day. Every morning, God gives us new
grace to enjoy that day. So, take time to enjoy those little moments with God
because His grace is for today. When tomorrow comes, we’ll have grace, too; but
today’s grace is for today.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>{ Aiden Robert Roth July 2, 2004 } <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>-----<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>{
Jeremiah Oliver Roth August 4, 2011 } <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I had so many dreams for you two! My
heart swelled the moment I knew of your existence. Your lives and the places
that your lives and deaths have taken me has filled my faith to overflowing.
You have enriched my life and our family’s life beyond compare. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I thought I would be teaching Aiden
and Jeremiah about life and love, but it has completely been the other way
around. My two little boys, who never spoke a word, who never opened their eyes
to view the wonders of this world, have taught me more about life and love that
I could have imagined. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I carry your heart, baby boys. {I
carry it in my heart}<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Day 3: Before <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">This picture is in the early weeks of
my pregnancy with Jeremiah (2011). I was in such a good place emotionally
having spent so many years working on healing and restoring my heart after the
loss of our first son, Aiden. I was physically the healthiest and fittest that
I had been in years too. I felt like I could take on the world! We were beyond
thrilled and filled with excitement and love for the little one growing in my
belly! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Each of my pregnancies has carried its
share of fear and anxiety because of our experience in losing our first son and
in knowing the difficulties that my body has carrying a child, but we were in
great medical care and any known medical concerns that we had were addressed
and being attended to. I was strong and we were ready for this little one! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">In the back of my head I would try to
calm my fears and tell myself that we had lost one child already and there was
no way we would ever lose another. Oh, how I wish that was true...</span></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj99wfjrScleNHWXENrIPkwXYdRaX6-IYj6OJOYX9r0mgOGyjHMny6A2Bb2GFQQr_oNKwwHZkBaPsVgSDwbGLCjm2jgRo08D2hLA3tYYhtw-8UDj9xfsZeh0i3lz60C20T8qajjToodySQ/s1600/Now.jpg" height="438" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="640" /></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>4th of July, 2014 - 2 days after we celebrated Aiden’s 10th birthday in heaven. <o:p></o:p></span></span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am very much a work in progress, but
I love who I am today. My life isn’t perfect, my heart still hurts, but I have
been blessed with an abundantly beautiful life. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Somewhere along my grief journey I
made a choice to stop focusing on what I had lost, but to focus on what I had
gained. I would never choose to go through the heartache and devastation that
we went through again, but I am so grateful for the journey that my grief has
sent me on. My faith is stronger than it ever has been and I am thankful for
how God has shaped and changed my heart throughout my healing.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Journaling is like having a window to
your soul. It is a place where you can give your emotions an outlet. It is a
place where your deepest thoughts can reside without fear of judgment or any
need for justification.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Journaling (blogging) has definitely had
a place in my grief and healing journey. I wish I could find (make) the time to
slow down, reflect and write more. There is such a great beauty in releasing
your thoughts and feelings to paper (or computer screen). I feel a sense of
strength and courage when I am able to look back and re-read my journal entries
and see the progress that I have made.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I don’t write or blog much these days,
but I have found that having a creative outlet can be just as fulfilling. I
love surrounding myself with words of inspiration and hope and it brings my
soul such a joy to be able to share these words of wisdom, that have helped and
encouraged me, with others.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I have read quite a few books in the
years since the loss of our boys, but one that really brought a lot of healing
to my heart was “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith. This book gave many of my
thoughts and feelings a voice that I hadn’t been able to find or pinpoint
before reading it. It brought me closer and helped me realize that there is a
very safe place with the Lord where we don't have to have all of the answers.
Read that again. Slowly. We don't need to have all of the answers. That was
HUGE for me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Leelawadee","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">God
is perfectly capable of revealing Himself in His time. I don't need to try to
fill all the gaps. I believe that these gaps in our understanding are there to
serve as opportunities to lean into Him despite the gaps being there. I had
been leaning into God as I was grieving and healing my heart, but this book and
the stories shared within its pages encouraged me to lean into my faith and
trust God even more.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Day 7: Sacred Place<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I still remember the very first time
we attended Eagle Brook Church. The worship music started and my heart was
overwhelmed with a comfort and peace that I had desperately yearned and
searched for in the years after we lost Aiden. Tears streamed down my cheeks
and I knew that I had finally found a safe place. I felt like I was ‘home.’ <br />
<br />
Years later, I am still moved to tears nearly every single week during the
worship music. That same comfort and peace fills my heart and I know that my
boys are with me in those moments. I close my eyes, reach out my hands beside
me and imagine my little boys holding my hands as we sing and worship together.
I can feel them with me. These are some of my most sacred and cherished
moments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-3418568704062191682014-07-02T13:34:00.000-07:002014-07-02T13:35:46.580-07:00Ten years ago<em>Friday, July 2nd, 2004</em> was the day that I became a mom when I delivered our first-born son, Aiden Robert Roth. That fateful Friday morning was the most beautiful and most life-changing day of my life. <br />
<br />
It is so hard to think that it has been ten years. In some ways it feels like Aiden's birth was just moments ago, but in other ways... Wow. It feels like it was a lifetime ago. <br />
<br />
I barely remember who I was before I became Aiden's mom and I'm okay with that because he has enriched my life so fully. God has used our little boy's life and death to teach me more than I could have ever dreamed it would<em>. </em>Being Aiden's mom has been the most rewarding and impactful experience of my life.<br />
<br />
-----------------------------------<br />
<br />
I came across this quote a while ago:<br />
<blockquote>
<em><strong>“Every true cross-bearer learns to carry his cross as if it were an ornament rather than a burden, and finds after a time that it carries him. It gives more strength to him than he gives to it.”</strong></em><br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
- Mrs. Charles Cowman</div>
</blockquote>
----------------------------------<br />
<br />
It's may seem strange to relate the death of our son as an ornament, but I do. Ornaments are adored, cherished and admired. They often hold significance, special meanings or sweet and precious memories.<br />
<br />
The day that Aiden was born holds some of my most precious memories, but it was also the day that my heart was ripped from my body. It was the day that my heart was truly broken and shattered to pieces.<br />
<br />
In the years following Aiden's death, I greatly missed the person I used to be. I missed my innocence and the old me. But mostly, I missed my son. Nothing made sense to me. <br />
<br />
Deep down I think a part of me always knew that there was more to Aiden's life that my feelings of pain and sadness, but to describe our loss as an 'ornament' would not have crossed my mind. Losing our son was a heavy, heavy burden that quickly defined everything about me. My every waking moment was centered around his death and the emptiness I felt inside. <br />
<br />
--------------------------------<br />
<br />
Today when I think about our first-born son, I miss him deeply, but a smile often fills my heart and defines my face. I can speak about him without being overwhelmed by tears. I am so grateful and I thank God for every day that he was with us- for every single day that I carried him and felt his amazing kicks. <br />
<br />
Over time, our loss- the unexpected, heart-wrenching twist that changed our lives into what we are living today- became something so much more than my grief. It is something that I am proud of. It has never been something that I hold onto for fear of forgetting his existence, but it is what I hold onto simply because <em>this is our story </em>and it's a beautiful story filled with so much hope, restoration and joy. Aiden was our gift and our ornament, and the truth is, he only makes Heaven that much sweeter.<br />
<br />
--------------------------------<br />
<br />
I wish I could say that it doesn't matter to me who remembers what, who speaks our son's name, who thinks about our little boy- because <em>we</em> do all those things and we forever will. There will always be a bit of a sadness in knowing that others will never know all the gifts that our son has to give and has given already. But, I know. I feel his presence with me every day. When I look in the mirror I see Aiden smiling back at me. And when you see me smiling at you, I hope that you see a part of him too.<br />
<br />
So, for today- for every day, please don't be afraid to speak my son's name. His name is sweet music to my ears and I love to hear it. <br />
<br />
Happy 10th birthday, Aiden! I look forward to the day that I will hold you in my arms again!<br />
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<br />Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-46470435206944712272014-01-22T10:11:00.000-08:002014-01-22T10:11:30.635-08:00A year of sweetnessThis past year has been one of the <em>sweetest</em> years of my life. No, let me rephrase that. It has been<em> the sweetest</em> year of my life. My heart has grown in ways that I didn't know it could. Spaces were filled in my spirit that I didn't know needed filled or that I thought had been filled as best they could be. God continues to bring a strength and resiliency to my being that surprises me. Saying I'm thankful just doesn't seem to be enough to describe it.<br />
<br />
At times I feel guilty admitting this. I feel guilty acknowledging the depths of the joy that I feel. There has been an inner battle inside me between my grief over the loss of Aiden and Jeremiah and the joy I have before me raising Gavin, Gabe and Dominic.<br />
<br />
But, there's no denying it. I am realizing more and more, I am <em>feeling</em> more and more that God does truly have great things in store for me and our family. I have prayed for so many years for restoration, but I think I didn't really believe that it was possible. For so long I have felt so broken.<br />
<br />
But dare I say it? Dare I say that I don't feel broken anymore? Beaten. Battered. Scarred? <br />
<br />
Of course. Yes, I am those things. <br />
<br />
But, <em>broken</em>?<br />
<br />
No. I'm claiming it. I am declaring it. I am not broken anymore. <br />
<br />
I carry my wounds and scars with great pride, but amongst those wounds, I feel a sense of wholeness that has eluded me for a long time.<br />
<br />
Tears fill my eyes as I say that. <br />
<br />
I am choosing... I am trying to live beyond the labels I have given myself.<br />
<br />
I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a friend. I don't want to define myself by my grief anymore. There's too much joy- too many blessings that surround me. And honestly, I'm not sure how much choice I have in this. There's no way to deny it.<br />
<br />
Look at these faces.<br />
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<br />
These precious faces are some of the greatest gifts I have been given and they are greatest gifts I will leave behind me.<br />
<br />
And I haven't even mentioned my husband... He is the greatest father. The most amazing and supportive husband. He is such a sturdy rock and safe place to fall for all of us.<br />
<br />
I'm gushing a little. Yes. Yes, I am. <br />
<br />
I couldn't be who I am, I couldn't be where I am, without him in my corner and by my side. I may joke that I 'wear the pants' in our family, but let's be real for a second... I may 'wear the pants' around here, but it only works because my hubby is the best pair of suspenders a girl can own!! Oh, how I love him! <br />
<br />
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God is so good.<br />
<br />
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<br />
We'll be celebrating Dominic's 1st birthday in a few weeks. His first birthday!<br />
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<br />
Can you believe that he is nearly one already? <br />
<br />
This past year has been so utterly sweet because of him. Dominic has brought such joy, laughter and thanksgiving to all of our hearts. I don't know if our little boy will ever be able to understand the healing that he has brought to our family.<br />
<br />
Listening to his giggles, watching him explore and learn, feeling and seeing his arms wrap around each of us, being witness to the love that he has for his dad and his brothers and the love that they have for him... <br />
<br />
It truly, without a doubt, is absolutely and positively, the most rewarding, the most stunning and wonderful experience to be a part of.<br />
<br />
Seriously. <br />
<br />
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<br />
I think about how much love I have for my husband and our children and I know God's love for us far surpasses that which I am capable of feeling. How great is that? God's love has sustained me and has carried me through many dark days. He has gifted me with the support and blessings that I have needed to find my way. <br />
<br />
<strong><em>Psalm 23</em></strong><br />
The <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span> is my shepherd, I shall not want.<br />
<span class="text Ps-23-2" id="en-KJV-14238"> He makes me lie down in green pastures. </span><br />
<span class="text Ps-23-2">He leads me beside still waters.</span><br />
<span class="text Ps-23-3" id="en-KJV-14239"> He restores my soul. </span><br />
<span class="text Ps-23-3">He leads me in the paths of righteousness </span><span class="text Ps-23-3">for his name's sake.</span><br />
<span class="text Ps-23-4" id="en-KJV-14240">Yes, even though I walk through the darkest valley, </span><br />
<span class="text Ps-23-4"> I will fear no evil, for you are with me; </span><span class="text Ps-23-4">your rod and your staff, </span><span class="text Ps-23-4">they comfort me.</span><br />
<span class="text Ps-23-5" id="en-KJV-14241">You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. </span><br />
<span class="text Ps-23-5"> You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.</span><br />
<span class="text Ps-23-6" id="en-KJV-14242">Surely your goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, </span><br />
<span class="text Ps-23-6"> and I will dwell in the house of the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span> for ever.</span><br />
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Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-5607345383547574332013-07-27T22:13:00.000-07:002013-08-16T08:31:36.511-07:00FlashbacksThe ways and the moments in which my grief is triggered often leaves me feeling disheveled and deprived of strength.<br />
<br />
My heart has been really aching these last few weeks. It was Aiden's 9th birthday a couple weeks ago and next week it will be Jeremiah's 2nd birthday. My boys are always on my mind, but the time around their birthday's always heightens my sensitivity and my grief.<br />
<br />
Today I experienced a <em>beautifully</em> painful flashback.<br />
<br />
--------------------------------<br />
<br />
Nine years ago, just a couple weeks after we buried our son, Aiden, I nervously went to the hospital to visit with a friend who had just given birth to her precious baby girl. I was excited and happy for my friend, but at the same time I remember being filled with so much fear and anxiety. Anger and pain too. How would I respond to seeing her sweet and full of life little baby when I had just days before had to say good-bye to my own??? As we walked into her hospital room, every fiber within me wanted to scream and run away. Life felt so unfair and cruel. <br />
<br />
I had all but forgotten those feelings, until today.<br />
<br />
Today, I drove to that same hospital. I entered the same parking lot and walked some of the same steps that I took on that very difficult day. In an instant, all of those feelings came rushing back to me. The feelings filled my spirit and my body before my mind was able to process where they were coming from. A flood of emotion consumed me and I was almost breathless. PTSD? Maybe? <br />
<br />
Immediately tears filled my eyes as I remembered that difficult journey years ago. <br />
<br />
My husband and three of my amazing boys were with me today, but still, a part of me longed to be back to that day nine years ago - deep in my grief - just days away from having last held my little boy. <br />
<br />
As painful as that time was, I wished I could be back there.<br />
<br />
It's hard to imagine wanting to be so close to the raw, debilitating grief that consumed me back then, but in that moment today- that's right where I wanted to be. There's a sacredness to my grief that I sometimes wish I could experience more frequently and be closer to. I wish I had the ability to close my eyes, be released of all responsibility and just be in that dark sacred place. Just be in my grief.<br />
<br />
It's amazing how quickly and seemingly effortlessly I have gotten at grabbing my heart and bringing myself back to present time. When in flashes, I simply wish to run and hide in my pain.<br />
<br />
-------------------------------<br />
<br />
I have purposefully created joy and happiness around both Aiden and Jeremiah's lives, but instinctually and deep within me, it is in pain and sorrow that I often feel close to them. <br />
<br />
------------------------------<br />
<br />
Can you imagine that? Appreciating (and sometimes yearning for) unfathomable pain because it brings a sense of connectedness to your child? It's so hard to describe.<br />
<br />
But for a moment today, that was me. I wished I could close my eyes and wrap my arms around my grief. So often I think we run from pain and sorrow. What an unnerving feeling to desire to be closer to it...<br />
<br />
Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-551753905377298062013-05-22T09:42:00.000-07:002013-08-16T08:41:47.832-07:00RETURN TO ZERO
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN;">I am on a mission. And I’m hoping you’ll help me! </span><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN;">Tom and I have been advocates for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness since
the loss of our sons, Aiden (2004) and Jeremiah (2011). Recently, we learned
about an incredible movie that was being made titled <a href="http://www.returntozerothemovie.com/index.php" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">RETURN TO ZERO</span></a>. We were
presented with the opportunity to be a part of the film and we
immediately signed up! We feel so passionately about the subject matter
of the movie that we just knew we wanted to be a part of sharing its message
and we want to try to help ensure that this movie makes it to local theaters!
</span><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><u1:p></u1:p>RETURN TO ZERO is about love, loss, heartache and
happiness. Specifically, RETURN TO ZERO is about the loss of a baby.
</span><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">It is the first film ever
created with stillbirth as its central theme. While the film is intended for
all audiences, regardless of one’s life experience, RETURN TO ZERO fills a
particular niche for a group of people that have gone unserved - those who have
or know someone who has experienced the devastating loss of a child by
stillbirth, miscarriage, or neonatal death. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">The movie has an amazing cast
(MINNIE DRIVER and PAUL ADELSTEIN - to name a couple) and I believe in my heart
that they have created a beautiful and touching film that will change how
people view pregnancy and infant loss and the effect it has on parents,
relationships, families, and communities. RETURN TO ZERO plans to
entertain and enlighten audiences with a story of the strength and resilience
of the human spirit. It intends to break through the silence often associated
with pregnancy and infant loss. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">BUT there are two parts to
making a successful film. First, the film has to be made. THEN - and this is
the toughest part - you have to make sure that it gets into theaters and people
see it. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<strong><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">That’s where I come
in – and hopefully YOU too!</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">
<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">I have signed up to be a
LOCAL LEADER for the film and I am hoping to get 250 of my family and friends
to sign up and pledge to see the film opening weekend (which has yet to be
determined- hopefully late 2013 or early 2014). If we can prove to Hollywood and
distributors that there is indeed an audience for RETURN TO ZERO, we will get
it into theaters so that we can BREAK THE SILENCE and help RAISE AWARENESS and
SUPPORT for families in need!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN;">Tom and I also made a small financial pledge to help fund the production of
the movie and in return for doing so, Aiden and Jeremiah’s names will be listed
in the credits of the film. This is a </span><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">once in a lifetime opportunity and we will be so proud
when we see Aiden and Jeremiah’s names prominently displayed up on the big
screen! How special will that be?!?! <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">So, how can you help? It’s
simple! <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">Just sign up and pledge that
you will go see the movie when it is released! <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<em><b><u><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">Break the Silence!</span></u></b></em><strong><u><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"> Pledge to See RETURN TO ZERO in
theaters! Sign up </span></u></strong><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"><a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform" target="_blank"><strong><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"><span style="color: blue;">HERE</span></span></strong></a><strong><u><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">!</span></u></strong><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">It’ll take about 30 seconds.
List me as your LOCAL LEADER (Jolene Roth) and you’re done! It’s as easy
as that! The city with the highest number of pledges at the end of the
pledge drive will not only receive a special screening of RETURN TO ZERO but
writer/director SEAN HANISH & producer PAUL JACONI-BIERY will attend to
host a Q&A afterward! So, if you are in the Twin Cities Metro area, please
list <strong><u><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">Minneapolis</span></u></strong>
as your city/region. Let's bring these guys to Minnesota!! And
even if you aren't sure that you'll actually see the film, I encourage you
to still sign up and show your support. In doing so, you'll help ensure
that the movie makes it to the theaters! <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">If you know others who would
be interested in seeing this movie, feel free to share my blog
entry and ask them to pledge to see the movie as well!!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">Thank you for your help as we
try to make sure that RETURN TO ZERO makes its way to theaters!! And thank you
for helping us ensure that we get to see our boy’s names up on the big
screen! We can do this together! <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN;">If you are interested, here's another link that you can check out to learn
even more about this project and why it is so important. <a href="http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1994087663/return-to-zero-starring-minnie-driver-and-paul-ade" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">RETURN TO ZERO Kickstarter Project</span></a> Thank
you!!</span><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">"Go
Jolene!!! This is a most important film that has the potential to really change
how the community understands our losses. Plus it is a very entertaining drama.
Having seen the rough cut 10 days ago in LA (I know, lucky me), I can only say
words like: incredible, poignant, funny at times, hard at times, and so real
that people will never look at us the same again. We must have this come to
theaters. We have the power to make that happen. ONLY if our friends and family
will get on board and fill out the simple pledge form. No money, no
signing over the car or house, nothing more than showing support by signing up
and putting Jolene's name as the Local Leader. Simple. Important. Life
changing. Will you all join
us???"
~Sherokee Isle, author</span></em><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">"Hi Jolene,Thank
you very much for your support of the film! I just checked and am happy to
confirm that your boys' names are included in the end credits of the film!
Thanks again for becoming a Local Leader. So wonderful that you're working with
Sherokee! I met her 2 weeks ago--she's an unbelievable light in this
community.Gratefully,Sean." </span></em><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<em><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">
~Sean Hanish, director/writer of RETURN TO ZERO</span></em><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><u><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";">Don't forget to sign up! It only takes a few seconds!!
Sign up NOW! </span></u></strong><strong><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"><a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">RIGHT HERE!! </span></a></span></strong><span style="font-family: "Gisha","sans-serif";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-51397678860142807832013-04-14T21:18:00.000-07:002013-04-14T21:18:10.491-07:00Falling in loveI have spent the last 9 weeks...<br />
<br />
<strong> <span style="color: black;"> <span style="font-size: large;"><em>Falling. </em></span></span></strong><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: large;"><em><strong> In. </strong></em></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: large;"><em><strong> Love.</strong></em></span> <br />
<br />
Over and over again each day I fall more deeply in love with our little boy, Dominic. There have been moments that I have found myself breathless as I look into his eyes, capture and memorize the curves of his face, smell his sweetness, touch the softness of his skin and listen to his breath and the beloved noise escape his lips.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvgNAqBT1qq63oh2U3Rzdvx2YGVVsA-wLiKvCsvqe4EvP5DHAZ9PJ26G3geQ1b2AlOTMQ92Y-6Szi4hyphenhyphenzehXYD63-HAOUv9r7FLNUsFxBkRVy-uNcw9va2FP7SrLRjP4BdXzL0iSNhBUo/s1600/Dominic_012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvgNAqBT1qq63oh2U3Rzdvx2YGVVsA-wLiKvCsvqe4EvP5DHAZ9PJ26G3geQ1b2AlOTMQ92Y-6Szi4hyphenhyphenzehXYD63-HAOUv9r7FLNUsFxBkRVy-uNcw9va2FP7SrLRjP4BdXzL0iSNhBUo/s400/Dominic_012.jpg" width="400" /></a> </div>
<br />
He has begun to share his priceless smile with us and he has even shared a few giggles with me. As I look down into his eyes and feel him tugging at my breast, it feels like he's tugging at my heart.
<br />
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<img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8km4lY5MYHezrfZwi4dDhugj4NEFGXwUIDwbWcK6goxyjE7LB3d4OSQK1Zmwjym_-E2px2sxjPmlgP8q0QFbRfG1WlkwJB4MVyHgH-AoZkBPNxD6Xq0qB9Gw1Y4mdjW9HUtE_g5wyNlE/s200/Dominic_027.jpg" width="200" /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgktlfW7Kr-oYMkUGboPxNB5lEZbPAMXzgm3vCkUcupS9HsaKfIRFckwbbiYja_i440aoQnQ1bJK7QAkBK9AmwSsSccpNB2QHHuDujiRYzHmBSfenVJSI0_mTsYS-_-4fXue5EJO_nznw/s1600/Dominic_028.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgktlfW7Kr-oYMkUGboPxNB5lEZbPAMXzgm3vCkUcupS9HsaKfIRFckwbbiYja_i440aoQnQ1bJK7QAkBK9AmwSsSccpNB2QHHuDujiRYzHmBSfenVJSI0_mTsYS-_-4fXue5EJO_nznw/s320/Dominic_028.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel like I have know him forever. He and I were meant to be together. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrDso4xbZXY8aExSv0ir1R88Fp7SzEAiNNz2kUxaXXznozwbYmeznUFXBdoO8-lJuujK5ohX9C_E81Absp_7RIxOaudN8d2AFXD4hUqv8UmakMyYCqDCWGcgBhUyln4MH4OFaeFgnKiek/s1600/405.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrDso4xbZXY8aExSv0ir1R88Fp7SzEAiNNz2kUxaXXznozwbYmeznUFXBdoO8-lJuujK5ohX9C_E81Absp_7RIxOaudN8d2AFXD4hUqv8UmakMyYCqDCWGcgBhUyln4MH4OFaeFgnKiek/s400/405.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
More than that though, he was meant to be with <em><strong>us</strong></em>. With our family. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixRozQqro0No2I3U7jfNXpPW8-cHfUoe_KXVPc7Qa_y0viplE9GGLl9tIxLRmWTVEFlNWz1sEneXdPDHpDteiMKeU8jXNWHqFWH6JUcCWrwbhBOnggPS2dE78PIK-6pEfY7vFwBF41DBU/s1600/381713_10151486596788396_751619227_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixRozQqro0No2I3U7jfNXpPW8-cHfUoe_KXVPc7Qa_y0viplE9GGLl9tIxLRmWTVEFlNWz1sEneXdPDHpDteiMKeU8jXNWHqFWH6JUcCWrwbhBOnggPS2dE78PIK-6pEfY7vFwBF41DBU/s400/381713_10151486596788396_751619227_n.jpg" width="400" /></a>I had no doubts. I knew that he would be:</div>
<em></em><br />
<em>Treasured.</em><br />
<em>Celebrated.</em><br />
<em>Admired.</em><br />
<em>Oohed and aahed over.</em><br />
<em>Cherished.</em><br />
<em>And so, so very loved and adored.</em><br />
<br />
But seeing it and feeling it, well, like I said, it simply takes my breath away. <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
I am so in love. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLFp68YvxJS2uU4qIl0taXM_08MkN_gyzBEbytmWK5a521ozgbXqAkQiBHTzLHOiUf5NK-zgLuCG1-B5pvmLIn6oH_om4vnZU7VQtsmAVSF8UDq5oiZVD6iqSiSrx1dz_8F7b92iG3su0/s1600/480509_10151502696908396_461828495_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLFp68YvxJS2uU4qIl0taXM_08MkN_gyzBEbytmWK5a521ozgbXqAkQiBHTzLHOiUf5NK-zgLuCG1-B5pvmLIn6oH_om4vnZU7VQtsmAVSF8UDq5oiZVD6iqSiSrx1dz_8F7b92iG3su0/s640/480509_10151502696908396_461828495_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<em><strong></strong></em><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em><strong>We</strong></em> are so in love. This little boy has captured our heart.<br />
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, </em></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>who have been called according to his purpose."</em> <strong>Romans 8:28</strong></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ToCm9-nc5OT-sUnkf6Mm8olwL3Zo2rn_hBeqdcDxKzCegBIJydQxJmwhbHxIzE8LkYMq5b0gmTL3Fx1uMXi-taXxBDMgISKFWFdOxmMWV7cCYHAHN_8wt04XbQ47iEysznQb8zFhI80/s1600/Dominic_026.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ToCm9-nc5OT-sUnkf6Mm8olwL3Zo2rn_hBeqdcDxKzCegBIJydQxJmwhbHxIzE8LkYMq5b0gmTL3Fx1uMXi-taXxBDMgISKFWFdOxmMWV7cCYHAHN_8wt04XbQ47iEysznQb8zFhI80/s640/Dominic_026.jpg" width="640" /></a>Very few things are promised to us, but this I know:<strong> God shines light into our darkness.</strong> </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNtG7qHJttzc072fNbc5vNeHTTxZzIdXNNrdCDJZeao44rqWG7xhDdKyE9jCEh6X50AmITuSu_XVh9EwiyJQWKVpVQzA2XAhv0ekod-r4u1CeVvY5o5IGaArI1ZAJduwHWBxFRJwhNT9Q/s1600/494.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNtG7qHJttzc072fNbc5vNeHTTxZzIdXNNrdCDJZeao44rqWG7xhDdKyE9jCEh6X50AmITuSu_XVh9EwiyJQWKVpVQzA2XAhv0ekod-r4u1CeVvY5o5IGaArI1ZAJduwHWBxFRJwhNT9Q/s400/494.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
As I lay here and think about <em>all</em> the gifts that Aiden, Gavin, Gabe, and Jeremiah have </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
brought to our lives, tears fill my eyes, joy grips my heart and my spirit is filled with hope. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can only imagine what the little boy laying beside me tonight will teach us.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSgr8dhmhs2M6pAwVeBC9-H3Db7QCyREWLMj8dujvQ7PMKx_KTQ9ZzG8j-I2B4yLNmPIwXbPOprCfcxzn9ngMcR9QIX2tAC21zoN0Su8hQvnksSYnre_Y8xwGgGYh6_OeZ7TgFVI-KDK0/s1600/Dominic_020+8x10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="512" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSgr8dhmhs2M6pAwVeBC9-H3Db7QCyREWLMj8dujvQ7PMKx_KTQ9ZzG8j-I2B4yLNmPIwXbPOprCfcxzn9ngMcR9QIX2tAC21zoN0Su8hQvnksSYnre_Y8xwGgGYh6_OeZ7TgFVI-KDK0/s640/Dominic_020+8x10.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: black;"></span> </div>
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<span style="color: black;">Photography by:</span></div>
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<a href="http://bekanieberphotography.com/site/#/home/" target="_blank"><span style="color: black;">Beka Nieber Photography</span></a></div>
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<a href="http://jmphotomn.com/" target="_blank"><span style="color: black;">JM Photography</span></a></div>
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<a href="http://shotsbybridge.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><span style="color: black;">Shots by Bridge</span></a></div>
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</div>
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</div>
Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-30855655429512135062013-02-21T21:40:00.000-08:002013-05-07T12:23:01.872-07:00Dominic's Birth Story<br />
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">It’s
<em>January 8<sup>th</sup></em> and I’m 36 weeks pregnant. <i>Breathe</i>. We’ve made
it! My cerclage is scheduled to be removed today! I feel like I’ve been holding
my breath for months now. I haven’t let my fear or uncertainty overtake me, but
to say that I am feeling a huge sense of relief to be here is an
understatement. Praise God for our answered prayers!</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLNRQTXaDtbIOzde0SMPLBFR7wgS0sDtmmUtBjIgUGcxezA9mMmeL4qzUgg0K8lmXBDQAK9W_UklK03E1KT7TnTRZw8Pa-z-qRR6WjRaU_hAQMl8wxYeFrtyUnqFXh6ACXVQ9ZUA_oLek/s1600/DSC02013blog+38+wks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLNRQTXaDtbIOzde0SMPLBFR7wgS0sDtmmUtBjIgUGcxezA9mMmeL4qzUgg0K8lmXBDQAK9W_UklK03E1KT7TnTRZw8Pa-z-qRR6WjRaU_hAQMl8wxYeFrtyUnqFXh6ACXVQ9ZUA_oLek/s200/DSC02013blog+38+wks.jpg" width="129" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><em>January
21<sup>st</sup></em> and I’m 38 weeks. I am 2-3 cm dilated. Our house is clean. The
fridge is stocked. My legs are shaved. We are ready for our little boy to greet
us with his presence in our arms any day now! Prior to my cerclage removal, I
had been experiencing rounds of random contractions, but since it has been
removed, my contractions have all but disappeared! I guess we have to continue
to patiently wait... <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNv9QCuGs4Km5B7PvWw4JLDljkBpcClvIeBCo7_k6vm8YVYDmn6MFTM53L_1yfMfAYiufeikL4ZapUA3PM63868qxpcMivGcesv9s11OcyaKzlTYSWxAij6kfsB9jPPlElLUFZvEHmfzc/s1600/DSC02039blog+39+wks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNv9QCuGs4Km5B7PvWw4JLDljkBpcClvIeBCo7_k6vm8YVYDmn6MFTM53L_1yfMfAYiufeikL4ZapUA3PM63868qxpcMivGcesv9s11OcyaKzlTYSWxAij6kfsB9jPPlElLUFZvEHmfzc/s200/DSC02039blog+39+wks.jpg" width="128" /></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em></em></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>January 28<sup>th</sup></em>
and here we are. I’m 39 weeks. I’m 4 cm dilated and it could be any day now! Or
another 2 weeks or so! It's SO HARD not knowing when it will happen! I have
begun experiencing rounds of contractions again. I usually have a couple
periods of contractions that last for a few hours every day. They seem
consistent for a while, only to slow down and then stop altogether again. I’m
trying to walk as much as I can and to get every last little thing done around
the house that I can think of. It seems that our little man just needs a bit
more time. I keep telling myself that I’m okay with that and I’m trying to
savor these last moments of pregnancy… but come on, let’s go baby!</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR_Ch6BBAZu17YqFj5bsHnRT3wfn5PXnHdxnDpo-Da9pKDGKCSv-siE9GRaQsT6qW8EgpcrfM4JncEhNZybD3AeqDhgTqg5kL7ZF8BAL3euqVCKr0V-uKtOTWJ3tLcr30v-O73DSpPW0A/s1600/DSC02049blog+40+wks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR_Ch6BBAZu17YqFj5bsHnRT3wfn5PXnHdxnDpo-Da9pKDGKCSv-siE9GRaQsT6qW8EgpcrfM4JncEhNZybD3AeqDhgTqg5kL7ZF8BAL3euqVCKr0V-uKtOTWJ3tLcr30v-O73DSpPW0A/s200/DSC02049blog+40+wks.jpg" width="129" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>February 4<sup>th</sup></em>
and it’s my due date. I am still 4 cm dilated. Since my cerclage removal, a
month ago, I've been going to bed every night hoping that I'd wake up in the
middle of the night with contractions or laying in a puddle of ‘water’ and be
off to the hospital to have a baby. Then I wake up in the morning feeling
defeated, sore and still pregnant. Very pregnant. Each round of contractions
that I experience sends me through a rollercoaster of emotions… Is this it? Is
this the start of real contractions, real labor? Will today be the day? I feel
like every night, I crawl into bed (well, actually the couch) and cry. I cry
because I am physically and emotionally exhausted. My body hurts. I am
impatient and it is getting harder and harder to push the fear within me out of
my mind and heart.</span></span></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Emotionally I realize
how unprepared I have been to actually carry this little boy to full-term. My
body is so tired. I am so thankful, but emotionally, I am exhausted. I need my
baby boy in my arms. Having experienced the loss of my sons, Aiden and Jeremiah,
I know not to take this pregnancy for granted. Sadly, just because we’ve made
it this far, I know that doesn’t mean that we’re 'safe.' I won’t feel 'safe’
until our baby boy is in our arms.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">After we lost Aiden
and again when we lost Jeremiah, I remember wishing that I could just have one
more moment, one more day with each of them, carrying them within me. I can’t
help but wonder if God is giving me one more moment, one more day with this
baby because he too, will leave this earth too soon… <em>Oh, please, please little
one. Please let us welcome you into our arms soon</em>. These fearful thoughts are
beginning to consume me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I keep telling myself
that my “Estimated Due Date” is just that- an estimate. Baby boy HAS to come at some point! He will come. I trust you,
God...</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmYly6J7e9O8zW1kxRv6Pfsk8BeIhHTn4NTf0Kb7EaFCkcgCp6pCiW-X8KKS8Dvc30EJhEyTBvR-3PpU_2Qs_VJjB3JYcW29STUAqfxN9seV4Vy7gvqE541xlM30wzO9rYs23QPzKaTj0/s1600/DSC02056blog+41.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmYly6J7e9O8zW1kxRv6Pfsk8BeIhHTn4NTf0Kb7EaFCkcgCp6pCiW-X8KKS8Dvc30EJhEyTBvR-3PpU_2Qs_VJjB3JYcW29STUAqfxN9seV4Vy7gvqE541xlM30wzO9rYs23QPzKaTj0/s200/DSC02056blog+41.jpg" width="128" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>February 11<sup>th</sup></em>
and I am now 41 weeks pregnant. <i>Deep breaths</i>. I still have no clear
signs that our little guy is on his way. My contractions keep coming and going.
The house has been thoroughly cleaned <i>again</i>. The fridge has been stocked
<i>again</i>. We (yes we) shaved my legs <i>again</i>. My biggest maternity
shirts are too small. I can barely squeeze into my maternity pants. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have been reading
birth story after birth story in preparation for our birth. I have been trying
to be patient and to really have trust and faith in the birth process. Again,
this has been physically and emotionally difficult, but I believe that ALL the
work that my body has been doing, all these contractions that I have been
experiencing for these last few week, will count towards and benefit my labor
and birth of our baby boy. My body has been preparing for the wonderful task
ahead and it is readying itself for labor. It has been challenging knowing just how to “trust my body” because I feel like my body has been
sending me mixed signals for weeks now! But, I will continue to trust in the
birth process and trust in my body (even though I feel like it has utterly
failed me in the past…). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As the weeks tick by,
the temptation to intervene in this process has been on my mind. Good meaning
friends and family keep asking if/when we are going to be induced. But, there
will be no induction with this pregnancy. As hard as it is to wait, I prefer
that this little boy come in his own time and not mine. I just have to
remember, I can’t remain pregnant forever!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
---------------------------------</div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Dominic Davis Roth was born on February 11<sup>th</sup> of 2013 at 8:32 pm.</strong> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is his birth
story</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have written this
story over and over in my head. I relive each moment of my labor and Dominic’s
birth again and again. As I stare into his big, bold, beautiful eyes, I have so
much to say, but so little words can express the wonder and awe of his labor
and birth. His birth was challenging, a little scary and overwhelming at times,
but it was also the one of the most beautiful and empowering moments of my
life. Birth may not exactly be pretty, but it’s how we all came to be here. It
might be a common occurrence, but it is a phenomenal one. Babies are born every
second, but each one is so utterly unique. Of all the human experiences, giving
birth is one of the most sacred moments that I know I will ever encounter.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The morning of
February 11<sup>th</sup>started just like the many mornings before it with a
round of contractions from about 8 am until 11 am. They started about 10
minutes apart and then went down to 8 minutes, then 6 minutes, then back to 10,
12, 8, then 15… you get the idea. They did feel slightly different, but as I
mentioned before, knowing just how to trust/interpret what my body was doing
had become increasingly challenging. I feel like my body kept crying wolf and I
just didn’t know what to think!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had a scheduled
doctor’s appointment for 12:30 pm. At about 11 am, I talked to Tom and told him
how the morning had been progressing. I told him that I thought that maybe
something was happening and that I may want him to come home from work so that
we could drive to my doctor appointment together. We agreed that I was going to
take a quick bath and see if the contractions stopped or if they continued. If
they continued, Tom would come home. If they stopped, we’d just meet at the
doctor’s office as planned. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well, once again, the
contractions stopped. Frustrating! <b><i>Body: what are you</i></b> <b><i>doing???<o:p></o:p></i></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Gabe came home from
school just before noon and we hopped in the car to head to my doctor
appointment. As I drove to my appointment, I had a couple more contractions.
They still felt mild and were not painful, but again, somehow they did feel a
little different.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfsy4tERbDwk4nG75bNtQlyIUQ6lMxHtZ-oPr5gPN68Ch7Nt0hNS-_0_TP2wwgCMjZtsL-ztpm9RXwHNDQbATkaRrGwLvQEqxSbisreRFfL7AokWtNXH2k2coRh5d9evp1HfvBYKVbHDU/s1600/DSC02057blog+41+wks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfsy4tERbDwk4nG75bNtQlyIUQ6lMxHtZ-oPr5gPN68Ch7Nt0hNS-_0_TP2wwgCMjZtsL-ztpm9RXwHNDQbATkaRrGwLvQEqxSbisreRFfL7AokWtNXH2k2coRh5d9evp1HfvBYKVbHDU/s320/DSC02057blog+41+wks.jpg" width="207" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At my doctor
appointment, I was given an exam and to our surprise, I was now 6 cm dilated
and had bulging membranes! My doctor asked me if I knew what that meant and I
said “No?” She smiled as she chuckled and said that she recommended that we
head to the hospital and told us that our baby boy was going to be coming soon!
I guess all those contractions that I had been having really were doing
something!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Tears quickly filled
my eyes as the reality that I was in labor hit me. This wasn’t the way I
imagined my labor would look like or how it would physically feel, but
nonetheless, this was labor and it was happening! Tom and I hugged and smiled
at each other as it set in that it was finally time to grab our hospital bags
and to prepare for our son’s arrival. Gabe was excited as we told him that
today was going to be the day that he was going to meet his little brother!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We clarified with my
doctor that she thought we had time to head back home and get the things we
needed for our trip to the hospital. She said that that was fine, but
encouraged us to not stop for pizza on the way! Not knowing how quickly things
were going to progress, she wanted to make sure that we delivered at the
hospital and not on the side of the road somewhere! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, after we left the
doctor’s office, we made the necessary phone calls, grabbed our hospital bags
and picked Gavin up from school. We told Gavin what was happening and he stated
that he thought today was <i>“the best day EVER!”</i> As we drove to my
sister’s house, where Gavin and Gabe were going to be dropped off, they talked
about what life was going to be like with their little brother. And once again,
they imagined what life would be like if Aiden and Jeremiah were with us. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Tears filled my eyes
as we talked about this. I shared with our boys that although Aiden and
Jeremiah weren’t here on earth with us for this moment, they will forever be a
part of our family and that they are waiting for us in heaven. Through
my tear-filled eyes, I told Gavin and Gabe that I believe that somehow, in some
way, Aiden and Jeremiah have already met the little boy that we were going to
be meeting soon and that they were smiling down upon us... <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Tom and I gave our
boys big hugs as we dropped them off and told them that next time we saw them,
that they would be meeting their little brother! I could hardly believe that
this time had finally come!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Throughout all of
this, I could finally feel that my contractions were picking up in intensity. I
could still talk through them, but they were slowing me down a little bit and
they were getting a little longer and stronger. Although the intensity of the
contractions was increasing, they still were fairly inconsistent-ranging from
6-10 minutes between each one. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When we arrived at
the hospital at about 4:30 pm, the staff was ready and waiting for us because
my doctor’s office had called ahead and let them know that we were on our way.
We were greeted and headed back to our delivery room right away. When we met
with our nurse, we shared our birth plan with her and expressed our desire to
have a natural birth, which to me meant no constant fetal monitoring, no IVs,
freedom to move around the room, no Pitocin, and hopefully, no pain meds. This
definition is different for every woman and I believe that as long as a woman
gets to have the birth she wants (<i>whether it’s under the maximum legal
amount of drugs or on the floor of her kitchen!</i>) it’s a beautiful and
empowering experience. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Based on my previous
births and experiences, these things just happened to be important to me. The
births of Aiden, Gavin and Gabe were all induced labors- each for differing
reasons and with Gavin and Gabe’s births, I ended up getting epidurals.
Jeremiah’s birth was a natural birth, but knowing that he was coming much, much
too soon, made the experience incredibly frightening and heartbreaking. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">With this birth, I
was hoping to overcome the fears and weaknesses that had filled my spirit from
each of my previous birthing experiences and instead fill my spirit with one of
strength and power. I am happy to say that both our nurse and our doctor not
only respected my wishes, but they helped encourage me as well.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFx-xCQC2rCoEeXafY5Zh1w58vP5I7DFC_oEkMqAyqGX412aUpmQyYdpTQyeSm79L9Pu6Bj7vAK241qmhyphenhyphenkEbA_GsYBCIepSrJEAOrOY4P68eIc2O88ZahwVBz7DqZbHK_z4Cb5bAbINo/s1600/DSC02072blog+care+board.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFx-xCQC2rCoEeXafY5Zh1w58vP5I7DFC_oEkMqAyqGX412aUpmQyYdpTQyeSm79L9Pu6Bj7vAK241qmhyphenhyphenkEbA_GsYBCIepSrJEAOrOY4P68eIc2O88ZahwVBz7DqZbHK_z4Cb5bAbINo/s320/DSC02072blog+care+board.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As we discussed our
birth plan, I got changed and hooked up to be monitored for a little bit. I was
having contractions that were about 5 minutes apart at this point, but they
were still pretty mild. </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7FltwGS2CAJbD8k5UD0M4OzIK5RCLPNgUnSFGCq4uSQl0MDg4rzJCxl5aXX4RW4W2bbVlXqFz4pa-YD-dKLb77liwAcr_ehsFYvzTxWEOhtZlpXpo8SpRHi_mhc2_tANLz9MULSrWGnI/s1600/DSC02065blog+monitor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7FltwGS2CAJbD8k5UD0M4OzIK5RCLPNgUnSFGCq4uSQl0MDg4rzJCxl5aXX4RW4W2bbVlXqFz4pa-YD-dKLb77liwAcr_ehsFYvzTxWEOhtZlpXpo8SpRHi_mhc2_tANLz9MULSrWGnI/s200/DSC02065blog+monitor.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The doctor who would be delivering with us came in and
introduced himself and we talked about our options and our hopes for our
delivery. He offered some suggestions to help encourage active labor to kick
in. One of his suggestions was to break my bag of waters, another suggestion
was to let Tom and I have some private time alone! Ha! Our nurse just asked
that we let her know and to put a ‘<b>DO NOT DISTURB</b>' sign on our door if
we chose to do this! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Even though we had
hesitation in augmenting our labor, Tom and I privately discussed our doctor’s
suggestion(s) and we decided to break my water to encourage labor along. So,
just before 6pm, Dr. Gaziano ruptured my membranes and told me that I was now
7cm dilated. It was amazing to me that my labor had progressed along so far
without having yet felt the pain that I associated with labor and birth. <b><i>That
was soon to change!</i></b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Almost immediately
after my bag of waters was broke, the intensity of my contractions picked up.
The waves that were hitting my body were definitely labor now and although I
could still smile and talk between them, they were getting very strong. I tried
to stand and walk around our hospital room for the first few intense
contractions that I felt, but quickly felt the need to use the bathroom. Having
read so many birth stories, I knew that this was a common feeling to have.
Although I knew that I didn’t necessarily actually have to go to the bathroom,
I thought that maybe sitting on the toilet would feel good so, I proceeded to
the bathroom. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Once I was there, the
pain of my contractions hit me like a ton of bricks! I quickly realized that
sitting on the toilet was not going to be very comfortable and was not the
place I wanted to be. Tom helped me out of the bathroom and back near the bed
where our nurse had brought me a birthing ball to try to use. Again, I quickly
realized that the sitting position was not going to be a good position for me.
My body wanted to be upright and elongated through my contractions. I tried
several different positions but everything hurt! Our nurse raised the bed to
its highest position and eventually we realized that what was most comfortable
(<i>can I even call it that?</i>) was me standing and leaning over the edge of
the bed. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As Tom supported my
weight, I tried to breathe through each contraction. Nothing really seemed to
help at this point. The pain was so intense! I remember looking down at my legs
and feet as I was having contractions and realizing that I was standing on my tiptoes!
As I continued to try to breathe through each contraction, my legs literally
shook beneath me. I begged Tom to keep holding me and supporting me, because I
didn’t feel like I had the strength to keep myself upright.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was having a hard
time believing how quickly things were progressing. It was like <b>WHAMMO!-</b>intense,
transition style contractions were flooding my body. I told our nurse that I
was feeling a TON of pressure. She asked if I wanted to get back in bed and she
could examine me again. It was 7pm at this point and when she checked me, I was
8cm dilated.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Once I was back in
the bed, the urge to push hit me. Our nurse told me to make sure NOT to push as
my body wasn’t quite ready. I remember thinking that the feelings that were
flooding my body were so instinctual that I should just let my body do what it
wanted to do, but I also felt like I should listen to what our nurse was
telling me. So, I fought the urge to push with everything that I had within me.
As I was fighting with my body, fear began to creep in. I was afraid that I
wasn’t going to be able to do this anymore. Fighting with my body’s natural
urge to push was too intense- excruciating even. I wish I would have just listened to my body.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Before I was in
labor, I had these visions of laboring gracefully and breathing, humming and
moving through my contractions like a warrior woman. In reality, I’m not sure I
was exactly graceful. At times, I felt small, weak and scared. My body made
noises that I have never heard before and during many of my contractions I
simply wanted to give up and I was quickly losing faith in myself that I truly
had the ability to do this. I knew that I was in charge of everything
that was happening as I was laboring and this was simultaneously empowering and
terrifying!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sometime after 7pm,
during these incredibly intense contractions, while I was fighting every
instinctual urge within my body to push, a part of me gave up on my plans for a
non-medicated birth. I knew I still did not want an epidural, but fear got the
best of me and I asked for a shot of fentanyl to help take the edge off. The
fear and uncertainty that I was actually going to be able to finish laboring
filled me so much that I decided I wanted a little help. I needed a little
relief!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I tried to fight my
fears and during my contractions, I reminded myself that this pain I was
feeling had a purpose. With each contraction I tried to visualize our baby
moving further and further down. I could feel him moving down! Our nurse
suggested I try to blow away the pain. Let me tell you, I blew and blew and
amazingly, it helped! Again, I visualized the pain leaving my body as I blew it
away. After each contraction, I told myself, “That one is done and I never have
to go through it again.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Although I had
requested a shot of fentanyl, it was taking forever to find a vein to put in an
IV and I had to keep laboring on my own and I had to put my doubts aside. Just
knowing that eventually relief was coming helped. I didn’t know when the relief
was going to come though so, I knew that I had no choice but to trust myself
and leap into the unknown. I started to pray. <i>“God, please help me. Please
fill me with your strength. Please! I am so scared and this hurts so much. I
know I can’t do this without you. Please lift me up, hold me in your arms and
help me through this.”</i> I began to focus in a way that I never have before.
A part of me felt like if I didn’t get on top of and in control of the pain I
was feeling, I quite literally might die… at the same time though, I felt safe.
Incredibly safe. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was grunting and
groaning, roaring even, through every contraction and urge to push. It’s like I
became some primitive form of myself. Instinct was taking over. I wasn’t really
thinking anymore, I was just doing. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fight
the urge to push much more. My body was beginning to push on its own and there
was such a huge relief in those few seconds when it did. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At some point, I
remember getting nauseas and feeling like I was going to throw up. Finally at
8:21 pm, at least an hour after I had asked for some pain relief, my IV line
was in and I was given a shot of fentanyl. Although, it did take the edge off
of the next few contractions I had, I was still grunting, groaning, and blowing
through each one like I had been before.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The next thing I can
remember was Dr. Gaziano asking me if I was ready to deliver our baby boy. I
wasn’t quite sure if he was serious or not! I remember thinking, <i>“What?!?!
Everyone has been telling me to NOT push for the last hour and now you WANT me
to push?”</i> He told me I could push with the next contraction. I tried to,
but because my body had been resisting this urge for so long, I wasn’t able to
really give a good push. It took one more contraction for me to switch gears
and to finally allow my body to do what it had been wanting to do for what
seemed like forever! With this next contraction, I gave several large pushes
and to my amazement, could feel our baby boy's head come out! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dr. Gaziano then told
me to stop pushing so that we could slowly ease his shoulders out. He guided me
through a series of little pushes and then asked if I wanted to reach down and
deliver our little boy. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
looked down between my legs and for what seemed like much longer than it really
was, I saw our son’s gorgeous face looking up at me, eyes closed, arms moving
slowly. This moment will always be imprinted firmly in my memory, as will the
overwhelming feeling of love and pure joy as I reached down and brought him up
out of my womb and into my arms where he took his first breath. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In complete amazement and awe, at 8:32pm,
Dominic Davis was born. <em>We did it! </em>What an amazing moment to actually reach down and deliver my own son! </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjjOPBWniwfLkkIwwZuixRi6_HHve59ZvOZFkabeTm_eN9MXX1nf9WxMl95GaqpW6s-ReEIDbB2hPQiAcOfYJI-UuZJfNG5ivad5LqF8wCjZagRn9Pa41OaxIKO1A0zJDSyqrZAN3oBk0/s1600/DSC02067sepia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjjOPBWniwfLkkIwwZuixRi6_HHve59ZvOZFkabeTm_eN9MXX1nf9WxMl95GaqpW6s-ReEIDbB2hPQiAcOfYJI-UuZJfNG5ivad5LqF8wCjZagRn9Pa41OaxIKO1A0zJDSyqrZAN3oBk0/s320/DSC02067sepia.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I felt a tidal wave
of love hit me and all I could do was hold onto our little precious baby boy. I
couldn’t believe he was finally in my arms. Our eyes and hearts locked together
and at that moment, I could no longer imagine my life without him in it. As I
held him, everything else around me stopped. The pain and fear were gone.
Nothing else in the world mattered. All awareness of anything else faded into
the background. I had my precious, slimy, absolutely perfect little boy in my
arms. I was completely in love.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I looked up at Tom
and saw tears in his eyes. I know that he was just as in love with this little
guy as I was and I couldn’t have felt more overjoyed. Our baby boy was finally
here. All the pain, fear and uncertainty was worth it. Going through labor
mostly un-medicated was physically, the hardest work of my life, but I did it!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Our nurse covered us
in warm blankets and helped wipe our baby off. I just stared in wonder at him.
At our request, the umbilical cord was not clamped or cut until after it had
stopped pulsating. About five minutes after delivery, Dr. Gaziano showed me the
now fully drained cord and clamped it. Tom cut it and shortly thereafter, I
delivered the placenta. I had one little tear and received one stitch. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Our new baby boy did
not leave my chest for hours. He was weighed and measured a couple hours after
his birth. Any vitals that were needed were taken while he rested in the
comfort of my arms.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The whole labor was a
whirlwind. Dominic Davis was born at 8:32pm on February 11<sup>th</sup>, after
less than 3 hours of active labor! He weighed in at 6 lbs, 14 oz and measured
21 ¼ inches long. He was perfect!</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8lhBBv-AbjxBR_AG-0c-Ls0Spd8siq3W6W2C9v3jOyYR2Pb7XLhi9Ln8Rxnm3B0uS4qPqxM3qFSU2p6fh_ddmugB5L6WFnabmVsYIBazBfNE-mMYomDMjPUr1rzNEnl9TsJvCDnNoxAg/s1600/dominic+jm+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8lhBBv-AbjxBR_AG-0c-Ls0Spd8siq3W6W2C9v3jOyYR2Pb7XLhi9Ln8Rxnm3B0uS4qPqxM3qFSU2p6fh_ddmugB5L6WFnabmVsYIBazBfNE-mMYomDMjPUr1rzNEnl9TsJvCDnNoxAg/s400/dominic+jm+photo.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sitting in bed later
that night, after Gavin and Gabe had come to visit their little brother for the
first time, I quietly thanked God for being so good to us. We have been through
so much heartache and unimaginable loss, but God’s faithfulness still remains
true. I poured out my heart to Him and thanked Him for giving us another little
one to love. I thanked Him for giving us the strength and hope to go through
another uncertain pregnancy. We did not let this uncertainty or fear deter us.
As I carry the memory of Aiden and Jeremiah with me, I rejoice in my boys
and the power that God gave us women, that God gave me, to bring life even after unspeakable pain.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are all in awe. We
have spent the last week snuggling in our bed together, getting used to the new
normal of having a newborn in the house and giving everyone the time that they
want holding Dominic and being next to him. There has been little talk of the
things that are needing to be done around the house or distractions from the
outside world. For now, we are in our own little love cocoon. I wouldn’t have
it any other way. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>We are so very blessed.</em></div>
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Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-41589549135645878342012-10-26T20:55:00.000-07:002013-08-16T08:51:26.061-07:00My beautiful beginning: A letter to my baby boy,<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">All at once, I am
filled with such excitement and wistfulness as I think about your
coming arrival. You are the essence of
bittersweet. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">It seems that you may be our last little one, little boy. We definitely don't think of you as the end though. You are nothing short of a miracle and you, my precious son, are a beautiful beginning. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"></span></span></span>I treasure the feeling of each
of your movements and I am continuously in awe of what a blessing it is to grow
a tiny life inside of me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I adore our
snuggles and quiet times together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each
morning as I rise, each night as I drift off to sleep and every moment in
between, you are with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I feel
you.</em></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Within my womb;</em></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times;"><em>Within my heart; </em></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times;"><em>I share everything I am with you.</em></span></span><br />
<em><span style="font-family: Times;"></span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">When I am
exhausted and achy- when my body hurts, I will try to focus and to remember to work
harder at being thankful for the many reasons why I feel this way. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to experience you fully, both the
pleasures and the pains. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I yearn to
remember these emotions and fleeting sensations with gratitude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Because,
for you baby boy, I am so utterly grateful. </em></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>You have changed my world.</em></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Little one, you don't have a proper name yet, but I love you with all of my being. You are such a blessing and every day we are thankful for you. You have an eager family waiting for you. You have a proud daddy and two handsome big brothers waiting here for you who simply cannot wait to wrap their arms around you and show and teach you everything they know.</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">They
love you so much already and they amaze me every day with the ways in which
they share their love for you with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether
it’s your daddy’s strong and loving hands or your brother’s curious and imaginative hands, as
they rest them upon my belly and they feel you wiggle and squirm from within, I
am overcome with an awe that is nearly indescribable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is such a beauty in watching each of their
eyes light up as they see, feel and embrace you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It takes my breath away every time and I am
honored to be able to share these moments with them and with you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">You
are my little boy and I cannot wait until the day that I will deliver you into
the awaiting arms of your loving family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <em>
</em></span><em>What a miracle I get to be a part of!</em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know that not only will you melt my heart and your daddy’s heart when
you fill our arms, but there is no doubt in my mind that you will melt Gavin and
Gabe’s hearts too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honestly, I think you
already have…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Sweet,
baby boy, you will be treasured.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></em></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>
And celebrated. </em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>And admired.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times;"><em>You will be oohed and aahed over.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times;"><em>You will be, you are, so very cherished.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">There have been tiny little feet that have entered this world and this family before you, but I am certain that you will leave a legacy and an imprint upon our family and our lives that no one before you has. You,
my precious boy, fill our hearts and our future with hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are the next chapter of our humble family
story as it unfolds and we are truly blessed to have you!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">My hopes and dreams for you are many, but my
greatest wish for you is that you feel the Lord’s love and direction in your
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s simple really, above all
else, <em>I pray that you love Him with great abandon</em>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe that God has filled our hearts with
you and we are so thankful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pray that
you are filled with thankfulness as your story unfolds and as your eyes and
heart experience all that this beautifully-complicated world has to offer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>You will have an amazing life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></em></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><em>I just know it. </em></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><em>Because it has already begun...</em></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Part
of me would like to ask you to hurry- I am tired and wobbly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body hurts and I am ready to meet you.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Instead,
I will wait. </em></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Patiently. </em></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>For you.</em></span></span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
I will continue enjoying this time with you on the inside. A few more months and I'll be seeing your sweetest smile, feeling your soft skin pressed against mine and feeling your sweet breath on me.</span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am just so excited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Enjoy your time growing big and strong. There are so many out here waiting for you. We love you so much little boy. We have longed for you for what seems like an eternity.</span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Come
as you are, my sweet and little boy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></em></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><em>And come when you are ready. </em></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><em>We'll be waiting for you.</em> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">With
every ounce of my heart,<br />
</span></span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Mama<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond","serif";"><o:p><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span>Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-33767501311679234962012-10-16T09:54:00.000-07:002012-10-16T11:41:18.884-07:00Summertime moments<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
It has been <em>too</em> long since I have sat down and had the
energy to focus and really reflect on all the thoughts and emotions that pour
through this mind of mine on a daily basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
Unfortunately, there have been too many emotions to try to recap but, I can remember enough to share some of the moments! </span>So, here’s a quick attempt to recap all that has happened in the last
few months! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-------------------------------------</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">It’s been a whirlwind!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We travelled out to New Jersey to meet with the amazing Dr. Davis and the staff at Kennedy Hospital to
have my TVCIC surgery performed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The surgery
was a success, my recovery was a breeze and I feel so blessed that we had the
knowledge and the ability to make this surgery happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God has been walking beside our family
through all of this! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCaQPR4m7oaIGunjScObJlfiJQaD4zZGz9eCJEM8Z2NO4srtd5JS9eGybz8xIHJuuWHiyNpBlDkqH2bIfS5dYhzQAE0Yge_zcBIjy9SJQtBOJoOOICv9X4iYF-QzYrXOhNblw6uHx88CA/s1600/DSC01270.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCaQPR4m7oaIGunjScObJlfiJQaD4zZGz9eCJEM8Z2NO4srtd5JS9eGybz8xIHJuuWHiyNpBlDkqH2bIfS5dYhzQAE0Yge_zcBIjy9SJQtBOJoOOICv9X4iYF-QzYrXOhNblw6uHx88CA/s320/DSC01270.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Before surgery snuggles with my boys!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">This summer we also celebrated Jeremiah's 1st birthday in heaven. We celebrated with a picnic in the park, sent our precious little boy some balloons and then stopped by the cemetery to say hello.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span> </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV_Iy0dJ_a9xCgbh4LGhDqU0-c1c4E0Um0dLSYCjL4kTt1o9jXYGvZdVj4lEVbDL_5BEJOy5JfKLHRA7xWYCwqU8IAUtAv_8z3JXd86xFjxJmRs8EX8G7kcyUX0Tx-G-dKcTYaGXfidPA/s1600/DSC01428.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV_Iy0dJ_a9xCgbh4LGhDqU0-c1c4E0Um0dLSYCjL4kTt1o9jXYGvZdVj4lEVbDL_5BEJOy5JfKLHRA7xWYCwqU8IAUtAv_8z3JXd86xFjxJmRs8EX8G7kcyUX0Tx-G-dKcTYaGXfidPA/s320/DSC01428.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Hand-in-hand, thankful for each other.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">It's been a year. <em>A year</em>. Wow. There’s still not a day that goes by that Jeremiah is not
on my mind and in my heart (Aiden too).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we
celebrated and remembered Jeremiah, I couldn’t help but think back about where
we were a year ago at this time and think about all that has unfolded over the
last 12 months… </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Losing a child takes you to the edge of despair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often you feel like one little breeze is all
it will take to push you over the edge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is an emptiness, a longing, an ache that is so large and so all-encompassing,
that sometimes you just don’t know how you will carry on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But,
<em>here I am</em>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have carried on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I must remind myself of this! </span>Somehow, daily, I am filled with a peace and
a joy that I can only thank and praise God for!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><strong>My strength comes from Him</strong>. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Don’t get me wrong, my pain is and will always be real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart will forever be wounded and I will
forever wish all of my boys were here on this earth with me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, God has filled me with the strength,
peace and comfort that only He can. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--------------------------------------</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">This past August, we had the pleasure of finding out that we
are having… another little boy!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigILsOEPQSoCtEZhnVBs8kZ3cPtbwxFeXbU0i9qqZLd-_rT3ZytA_k3cpIqH40Tyldt_bWHv8SMEH-dppw-kr7TIl7yHiCNKAkGMMRgUOLzZdDE81z3QJZQTjC4YG34VzqGOBehhrmZC0/s1600/DSC01438monkey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigILsOEPQSoCtEZhnVBs8kZ3cPtbwxFeXbU0i9qqZLd-_rT3ZytA_k3cpIqH40Tyldt_bWHv8SMEH-dppw-kr7TIl7yHiCNKAkGMMRgUOLzZdDE81z3QJZQTjC4YG34VzqGOBehhrmZC0/s320/DSC01438monkey.jpg" width="213" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">We
wanted to do something fun and exciting for Gavin and Gabe (and us too!) so, we set up a fun
gender reveal!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had an envelope with
the results of our ultrasound sealed inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We brought the envelope to the store and they opened it and then secretly
filled the box with the appropriate colored balloons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, until we got home and opened the box,
nobody knew what color of balloons were inside! </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgajyNNsakiXBIe7F5XIAF3VKcB4l9ftqJkD0KvnlHYPHtcYgr6j1-7NW5vkgrDnMtixkH3Q04IJTGA-9j_R3z0ut-fIxZxUtv1LPlMp_J-A6rK4plX3Sfu-gnY7o5Eeftiku_vhrrPrkk/s1600/family+collage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgajyNNsakiXBIe7F5XIAF3VKcB4l9ftqJkD0KvnlHYPHtcYgr6j1-7NW5vkgrDnMtixkH3Q04IJTGA-9j_R3z0ut-fIxZxUtv1LPlMp_J-A6rK4plX3Sfu-gnY7o5Eeftiku_vhrrPrkk/s640/family+collage.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">It was such an exciting moment!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were all thrilled to find out that we’re
having Roth Baby Boy #5 join our family in a few short months!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll admit, a big part of me was hoping for a
little girl though!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I really feel
like God has filled me with the gifts to raise strong, compassionate and
courageous young men.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I do so
gladly!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Maybe that little girl will be next time?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wink, wink...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span>Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-75893781101746418602012-07-13T23:24:00.000-07:002012-07-13T23:24:49.837-07:00JOY is nowI've been keeping a secret and for those of you who know me, you know that this is not one of my strong suits and it's hard for me to do! <br />
<br />
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<br />So, here we go!! We are thrilled to announce that we are expecting Baby Roth #5!! I have been wanting to share this exciting news for weeks and it has been so hard for me to not do just that: <em><strong>share!</strong></em><br />
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I wish I could say that excitement is the only emotion that I have been feeling, but as many of you can expect, I have had many emotions run through me. My mind naturally races and I worry about the life and future of this little baby that I have been chosen to carry. <br />
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Although I find myself at times worrying because I don't know what the future has in store for us, I do choose to and need to remind myself that our <span id="yui_3_2_0_1_1342241901090288">JOY is now. Whatever may happen down the road, our joy is here. It's real. It's NOW. In this moment... And there is nothing like sharing joy! </span></div>
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I am scared. I am fearful. I am nervous. But I am hopeful. I am full of faith. And I am thankful.</div>
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If, God forbid, something terrible happens, I pray that you will grieve with us and support us. I know that fear and grief can never erase the joy of this moment from our life - it continues to be real. I also know that if I delay and don't share it and something happens, I will never have shared this amazing moment and there is nothing left to share but the surprise of tragedy and sorrow, or alternatively, somehow deal with it on my own. And that, I can't do. </div>
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So, for today I want to share our joy with you! </div>
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We have prayed for months and months that if and when we were blessed with another child, that we would have clarity and peace in our hearts as to what course of treatment to seek to best care for this child and this pregnancy. I feel beyond blessed to share with you that our prayers have been answered!</div>
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After many doctor appointments, many hours of research, conversations and prayer, we have a plan that we are confident with.</div>
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Next week we will be boarding a plane to New Jersey where I will be seeing a fabulous doctor who specializes in the treatment of women with my condition. He is able to perform an amazing surgery that will give us a wonderfully high success rate for a full-term and healthy pregnancy. It's an option that several months ago I didn't even know existed.</div>
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The surgery he will perform is called a Transvaginal Cervico Isthmic Cerclage and it will give my cervix the extra strength that it needs in order to bring our precious little child safely into our arms. It is minimally invasive (day surgery), <em>highly</em> successful, it will enable me to have a natural delivery and in theory, a "normal" pregnancy. </div>
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I wish I could express to you how amazing it is to have this opportunity and the ability to be able to make this happen. Not many doctors have heard of this procedure, let alone perform it! </div>
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I sent an email to this doctor in New Jersey on a Wednesday night and on Thursday evening, he called me at home! Our follow-up converation the next day was when he told me that our insurance would cover the procedure!! Amazing! </div>
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There is much more to this story and I wish I could share it all! But let's just say that God is good! God is faithful! And I know that he has and will continue to bless our family!</div>
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<em>"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." </em>Ephesians 3:20<br />
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We continue to welcome your love, prayers and support for our family in the days and months ahead! Thank you for sharing in this joy with us!</div>
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</div>Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-88767816630956807912012-07-02T22:46:00.001-07:002012-07-04T17:54:00.773-07:00Happy Birthday, AidenToday was Aiden's 8th birthday in heaven. His coming birthday weighs heavy on my heart every summer. I know it's coming. It's a time that I look forward, but I wish I was celebrating it in much different ways. <br />
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I have learned over the years since Aiden has passed how to grieve for him, yet celebrate his life and all the goodness, love and blessings that he has brought our family. I am prepared for this day, but in some respects, my emotions always seem to sneak up on me in unexpected ways. I feel like I should be used to this by now, but I'm not. I think I'm actually thankful for this. Thankful that Aiden's life continuously brings me something new to think about.<br />
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This year just feels different though. This year, I am haunted by the fact in one more short month, I will celebrate another heavenly birthday. Ugh. It's hard. <br />
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<em>But, I'll stop there and put my conflicting emotions aside. </em>Today was about Aiden and the joy he has brought us.<br />
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We had a wonderful day today as a family- celebrating all that we are together. We talked about Aiden and all shared ideas of what we thought he would like to do, what his favorite games to play would be, what his favorite food would be, etc. We laughed together and we explored together. We loved one another. We do these things every day, but today, we really slowed down and just soaked each other up. <br />
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We decided at the last minute to hop in to the car and head to Wild Mountain in Taylors Falls. We always do something special on Aiden's birthday and this year we decided to do something that we thought he would like- something that I'm sure he would have loved to do and something that would be memorable and fun for Gavin and Gabe too. So, we packed a cooler and off we went! <br />
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Seeing Gavin and Gabe have so much fun, never gets old. They are becoming such courageous little men and I just love watching them grow up! Gabe wanted to go down the water slides with me so, I snuggled up behind him and held him tight as we hopped in our inner tubes and headed down the slides. We squealed with delight around every twist and corner- getting splashed along the way! It was so refreshing and I really needed that!<br />
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I managed to find myself headed down one of the waterslides all by myself and I embraced the moment by reaching my arms out to the heavens and as tears filled my eyes, I sent Aiden a kiss. <br />
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<em>Happy Birthday, little boy. Your mommy loves you!</em><br />
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As we were driving home from our little adventure, we were admiring a beautiful sunset. Gavin shared that he thought that Jesus sent such a beautiful sunset for us to see because it was Aiden's birthday. <br />
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I told him that I thought he as right and that I couldn't agree more! <br />
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The picture doesn't quite to it justice, but it was a bright, orange sunset. The boys thought it looked like lava. It's very fitting for Aiden's birthday because Aiden's name means "little fire."<br />
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<em>Sweet dreams, little boy. I can only imagine the celebrations that you had in heaven today!</em></div>
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<br />Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-40200416910574421262012-05-26T20:42:00.000-07:002012-05-26T20:42:58.623-07:00CelebrationsWe celebrated Gavin's 7th birthday today. I am so thankful and feel so blessed to be his mom. Sweet memories of his birth flood through me.<br />
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I'll never forget, after over 20 hours of labor, the moment that my doctor, Dr. Burris told me that my son was going to be in my arms in a matter of minutes. Although I had been pregnant for 9 months and had been seeing my doctors weekly, I never really knew or believed that I would deliver a child that I would be able to leave the hospital with and have the opportunity to raise.<br />
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Sadly, having lost our first son, Aiden, my naivety was gone and I realized that carrying your child in your womb does not mean that you always get to carry your child home. Laying in the delivery room, moments before Gavin was born, tears ran down my face. This was <em>our</em> moment. It was really happening. We were going to meet our son.<br />
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After Gavin's birthday party festivities, Gavin, Gabe, Tom and I cuddled on the couch and I pulled out the boy's baby scrapbooks. We flipped through them, page-by-page and I shared my memories of the days when they were born.<br />
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I took the opportunity to hold them in my arms and really tell them how much I love them. We laughed at their silly pictures and oohed and ahhed over how cute they were! I shared with them how much they are loved and how the days they were born were truly, the best days of my life.<br />
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Sharing moments like these with Gavin and Gabe always make me think of my other little boys, Aiden and Jeremiah. I remember <em>their</em> births. I remember how much I love them. I remember how the days of their births were <em>truly</em>, the best days of my life too.<br />
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It's hard sometimes to say that because the days that Aiden and Jeremiah were born were also the most devastating days of my life. But first and foremost, they were the beautiful days that I was blessed to meet and hold my sons- if even for a moment.<br />
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<em>Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.</em><br />
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It seems like just <br />a little while ago
<br />you raised your tiny head <br />and smiled at me <br />for the first time
<br />and I smiled back with tears. <br />I loved you so much then <br />and though you are
a little older now; <br />I still look at
your beautiful smile <br />and love you even more.<br />I feel so
fortunate to have you for a son.<br />I love your bright face<br />when we talk
about the world.<br />I love your smile<br />when we laugh together.<br />I love your eyes<br />when you are showing
emotion.<br />I love your mind<br />when you are discovering new ideas<br />and
creating dreams to follow.<br />I want you to
know<br />that I enjoy you so much and<br />I love the time we spend
together.<br />I am
so proud of you</div>
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and the young man you are becoming.<br />I love you.</div>
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<br />Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-4450693349549483802012-05-10T21:45:00.000-07:002012-05-10T21:45:13.613-07:009 MonthsYet again, as I sit here and reflect, I'm not sure if time is passing too quickly or too slowly. Thoughts flood my mind, but words escape me.<br />
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It has been over 9 months since I held Jeremiah in my arms and nearly 8 years since I held Aiden. There's not a single day that passes that I don't think of them. Every moment, of every day, they are with me. <br />
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I can not and will not forget them. Jeremiah and Aiden were not just hopes and dreams. They weren't plans that fell through. They were my babies. They were <em>my</em> baby boys.<br />
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Today as the boys and I drove in the car, Gavin and Gabe chatted with each other about missing Jeremiah and wishing that he was still here. They talked about where each of them would sit if Jeremiah's little carseat was nestled in the back of our mini van with them. They remembered Aiden too. Tears filled my eyes as I listenend to Gavin and Gabe plan out the seating of themselves and their brothers: Aiden and Gavin seated in the far back seat and Jeremiah and Gabe in the middle row. I let the image that they were creating flood my heart and my mind. I can see it so clearly, yet it is so far out of reach.<br />
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We've shared many conversations like this and I know I've said it before, but I so cherish these moments. I let myself imagine how our lives would be different. These moments make me smile, but again, they fill my heart with such loss, emptiness and devastation too.<br />
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I look forward to the summer months when we can all relax and enjoy being together as a family- no alarms to be set, no school bus to catch, no homework to be done... But I am also dreading this summer. In July we will celebrate Aiden's 8th heavenly birthday. In August we will celebrate Jeremiah's 1st birthday in heaven. I don't know how my heart can sustain this grief and yet move forward and makes plans for our future.<br />
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There are many days of summer, but my mind and heart are consumed with two specific and special days. I know I will get through this summer and many more, but I still ask myself <em>how</em>? How will I survive and will I ever thrive again?<br />
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On many days, I feel so beat down and broken, but I force myself to move. Just move.<br />
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Next week, my husband and I will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. When I think about all that we have been through together in the first 10 years of our marriage, I am so thankful. I am thankful for all that we have created together, all that we have shared, all that we have endured, all that we have embraced. I have not lost sight of all the beauty that we have in our lives. <br />
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<em>I</em> am blesssed. <br />
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<em>We</em> are blessed.<br />
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I am: <em>Sweetly broken. Wholly surrendered. Forever thankful.</em>Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-15412686291701742972012-04-09T10:22:00.000-07:002012-04-09T10:23:28.505-07:00StillnessIn quiet times of reflection- in peaceful moments of thought, I often wonder where the stillness within me comes from. How can I not be furious at the Lord for the deaths of my sons?<br />
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I ask myself this question and the answer is that I have been angry. <br />
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I have been greatly disappointed. <br />
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What I have not been though, and what I refuse to be, is disbelieving.<br />
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However easy it is for me to allow myself to cry and wail over my losses, it is a far more satisfying thing to believe that all of this is a brief and temporary season. The Lord, my God, that I have placed my trust in tells me that I will see my boys again. And while He stands beside me, He weeps. He cries for me and he cries with me. He hurts too. I think He cries because He sees what I can't. <br />
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I believe that God <em>could</em> have healed my body and protected Aiden and Jeremiah from being born too soon. I have never questioned His ability to do that. What I have questioned- what I have been curious about, is why He <em>didn't</em>.<br />
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Many well-intended people have tried to answer this question for me. I have heard people try to tell me that "it was for the best," but quite honestly, I disagree. I have been told that "God needed another angel" and again, I don't believe that. I have grown tired and weary of people trying to explain my grief and pain away because they couldn't stand to just say: <em>I don't know why this happened.</em><br />
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I am learning that there is a very safe place with the Lord where we don't have to have all of the answers. God is perfectly capable of revealing Himself. I don't need to try to fill and the gaps- and you don't either. I believe that the gaps are there to serve as opportunities to lean into Him despite the gaps being there.<br />
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I will lean on God despite the loss of my sons. Their seasons of life were cut short and I will continue to grieve the loss of what my boys would have been. I know that they will not come back to me. But I know that God has gifted us with the rest of the story.<br />
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I wholly believe that He is real.<br />
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I believe that he is working everything in my life, and yours, for good.<br />
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I believe He can.<br />
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I find comfort knowing that I am walking a road that leads to Him and to our precious boys.<br />
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No, they won't return to us.<br />
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But one day, not so far from now, we will go to them.<br />
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I believe that God can and does perform miracles around us every day. On the day that Jeremiah was born, I had been active in prayer conversation with God. I prayed that He would stop my labor and heal my body. I prayed that my child would be protected. I prayed to God that I would not have to say hello and good-bye to my child in a single day- again.<br />
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Although my prayers were not answered in the way that I wanted them to be, I still believe that God was with me on that day and continues to be with me. Every single day. Every moment of my life.Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-82173322884999242732012-04-04T20:02:00.001-07:002012-04-04T20:02:59.246-07:00Not why, but how?A natural part of the grieving process is asking the big, fat 'WHY' question. <em>Why did my little boys have to die? Why have I had to bury not one, but two little boys? Why wasn't I taken instead Why me? Why our family? </em>And on and on and on... <br />
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After the loss of our first son, I think I definitely went through a period of time where I was angry and I asked, screamed, and pleaded with God and asked Him WHY? <em>Why did my son die before he even had a chance to live? </em>I think I knew deep down there would never be an answer to this question but it felt good at the time to ask and it released some anger at God.<br />
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I learned that I had to let go of the ‘WHY’ and find a way to peace and contentment in my mind and my heart. I had to start moving and keep moving forward and not get stuck in my grief knowing there was not ever going to be a satisfying answer to the WHY questions.<br />
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Over the years since the loss of our first son, my relationship with God has carried me through my darkest days. My faith encourages me to keep moving on even though I don't understand and, on this side of heaven, I don't believe that I will ever fully understand the reasons for the grief that I have faced in this lifetime. <br />
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I've learned to trust- not blindly, but hopefully.<br />
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I trust that God is working on me, in me and through me. He is beside me with every step I take. And as the poem goes, when I am unable to walk, it is then that He carries me.<br />
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Once I accepted and understood that there was no answer that would satisfy WHY, I had to start asking a different question... How?<br />
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I have been thown back on this tumultuous path of grief and I am trying to, again, get back to asking more hope-filled questions. I know that the WHYs will never be answered. My faith redirects my <strong><em>why</em></strong> questions and refocuses them into <strong><em>how</em></strong> questions.<br />
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<strong>How can I make Aiden <em>and</em> Jeremiah's lives and deaths mean something?</strong><br />
<strong>How can I honor their lives?</strong><br />
<strong>How can I leave a legacy for my little boys who never got to laugh or cry?</strong><br />
<strong>How can I move forward and feel better about myself and my life?</strong><br />
<strong>How can I help others who are suffering?</strong><br />
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How, how, how instead of why, why, why?<br />
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I so badly want to get to asking the HOW questions, But in today's moments, I am not quite there- not fully atleast. I still feel numb. <br />
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At times I catch myself staring blankly throughout the day. The emptiness somehow seems more bearable that letting my imagination run free. Part of me wishes I could just close my eyes and imagine my boys, all four of them, walking hand and hand with me. But at the same time, I am so afraid to let my mind go there. To really visualize what I will never have is... heartbreaking and scary. <br />
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I've developed a shield around me that enables me to get through my days. The tears come less and less, but they are right there- knocking on my wounded door. Ready to come through at any moment.<br />
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I am surviving. But I am not thriving. <br />
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I just don't know how you do that after burying two sons.<br />
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-------------------------------<br />
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I do know that I am able to see more joy around me everyday. <br />
<br />
Last month I was driving in the car and I noticed the sun. Imagine that? Something that most definitely has been here every day in the months since Jeremiah died. But, for the first time in many months, I really noticed it. I noticed its brightness and its warmth. I'm noticing the flowers in bloom. The birds chirping. The green grass growing. <br />
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Joy is finding its way back into my life and my heart.<br />
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Each tender kiss from Gabe, I cherish. Each inquisitive question from Gavin, I embrace. I hold on to these moments. <br />
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And I hope you hold on to these beautiful moments in your life too.Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-28196715255094101752012-03-06T20:49:00.001-08:002012-03-06T20:59:45.277-08:00My heart belongs in these pages...<object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab" height="425" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://images-community.shutterfly.com/flashapps/slideshow/slideshow-ui.swf"/>
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<img border="0" height="1" src="https://os.shutterfly.com/b/ss/sflyshareprod/1/H.15/111?pageName=sharekey&c1=photobook&c2=blogger" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: currentColor; box-shadow: none; padding: 0px;" width="1" />Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-5400228319297229442012-03-03T21:51:00.000-08:002012-03-04T01:00:03.278-08:00SpeechlessWhile driving in the car today our 6 year old, Gavin, asked me a question: <em>"Mom,"</em> he said, <em>"Why do your babies die? Most babies don't die. So, why do YOUR babies die?"</em><br />
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There was silence in the car. Pure silence- for what seemed like forever. The world stopped moving and my mind began spinning- twirling in fast-paced motion. So many thoughts raced through my mind, but I was <em>speechless</em>.<br />
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I wasn't prepared for this question. It came out of nowhere. There was no conversation leading up to it. I simply didn't see it coming and didn't know how to answer it.<br />
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Thank goodness my husband was seated beside me. I think he saw the color leave my face and in an instant, the tears welled up in my eyes. If there was ever a time that I needed him to speak for me, this was it. And thankfully, he did. It took every fiber in my being to remain focused on the road.<br />
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My world shattered and I was crushed. In an instant, I was afraid Gavin pegged me for being a fraud and a failure. Many of my insecurities rose to the surface. My face became flushed with shame, guilt and embarrassment. Gavin has seen several friends and acquaintances of ours recently have babies. It was like he asked, <em>"Why can they have babies, but you can't? What's wrong with you?"</em> <br />
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As a mother, my greatest job is to protect my children and my child just realized that I was unable to do that for his brothers. How will he ever trust me again to protect <em>him</em>? In a flash, I feared that I broke his trust and this promise to him. <br />
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The question that Gavin had asked, shot threw me like a dagger. His question was innocent, but I felt like I was being accused and acknowledged for the failure that I am. I struggle with feeling like a failure and now, Gavin knows that I am one too. <br />
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Although this is not at all what Gavin said, it was like I heard, <em>"Mom, you killed my brothers, Aiden and Jeremiah. How will you ever protect me?"</em><br />
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I have no idea how my husband answered Gavin's question. I completely zoned out and tears fell down my cheeks.<br />
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As I drove, guilt consumed me. A part of me wanted to just throw my hands up (not out of anger, but out of despair) and say, <em>"You're right. I am a failure. My babies die."</em> <br />
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Logically, I know that I did everything possible to save our little boys, but there is still a very natural feeling of guilt that I have for not being able to protect my children. Aiden and Jeremiah were perfectly healthy little boys. <em>My</em> body failed them. I live with this thought every day.<br />
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After a few minutes, there was silence again in the car and I knew that I, myself, had to acknowledge and answer Gavin's question. I don't know if he was able to see my reaction to his question. I don't know if he saw that I was crying. But I do know that I want him to be able to ask me anything that is on his mind and to not be afraid. Alll of the crazy thoughts that had just run through my head, were my thoughts- my fears- my insecurities. I owed it to him to answer his question as best I could.<br />
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I took a long and deep breath. I wiped the tears from my eyes and I tried so hard to keep my voice from cracking. All that I could think to say to him was to reassure him that if there was anything, <strong>anything</strong>, that I could have done to save and protect his brothers, Aiden and Jeremiah, I would have. I told him that sometimes sad things happen and we just don't know why. I told him that I felt so blessed to have him and his brother, Gabe, here with us. <br />
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I don't know if that was the right thing to say and I'm sure I will replay this conversation over in my head many, many times. I will come up with better responses and I will wish that I had said this or that, but I'm learning too. I don't have all the answers.<br />
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And then, again, from the back seat I heard Gavin say, <em>"Mom, what do you think is the biggest thing on the earth?"</em><br />
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And so the story goes...<br />
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<br />Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-1915192501493697922012-02-07T22:08:00.000-08:002012-02-08T07:40:34.096-08:00I wonder and I rememberI often wonder what God has planned for me.<br />
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I desire to <em>be</em> many things for myself and for others. But, I continue to have this nagging ache to just <em>be</em> peaceful and whole. That is something internal that can't necessarily be acted out or shown. That is a desire of my heart. And <em>that</em> I don't know how to be. <br />
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I feel scarred and broken. That I know how to be. That I am. But I want more. I want- I desire a <em>genuine</em> peace in my heart and I just don't know if that will ever be.<br />
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I wonder if my ability to feel whole and complete has been taken. Maybe that is just not for me? When a part of you is gone from this earth, how can you ever be complete again?<br />
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At night, as I try to sleep, I re-live each moment leading up to Jeremiah's birth. <br />
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I remember the early morning contractions. I remember the denial. I remember watching each passing minute on the clock. I remember my tearful phone call to my sister asking if she would watch my son so I could go to the doctor's.<br />
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I remember driving to my doctor's office alone- unable to reach my husband. I remember my relief as I finally got ahold of him.<br />
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I remember sitting in the waiting room with my husband waiting to be called to see the doctor. I remember my fear growing with each passing contraction. I remember seeing my beautiful, healthy baby boy on the ultrasound screen. I remember the look on the doctor's face as she confirmed that my worst nightmare and greatest fear was happening again. <br />
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I can literally hear my own screams of agony as I heard the words come out of my doctor's mouth. I remember the blood. <br />
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I remember the look on my husbands face as his heart broke once again.<br />
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I remember my heart breaking. I can <em>feel</em> my heart breaking- over and over and over again.<br />
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I remember another stage of denial and my brief hope that everything would somehow still be okay.<br />
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I remember my realization that I would deliver my son much, much to soon...<br />
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I remember asking for gloves to wear because a part of me was afraid of all of the blood. There was so much of it. I am ashamed to admit that the first time I held my little boy, I was wearing rubber gloves.<br />
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I remember quickly taking off the gloves as soon as I realized I had nothing to fear. I held a blessing in my arms, my precious baby boy, and craddled him in all my love. <br />
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Nearly every night this is what I remember. <br />
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And I wonder... Is the desire for genuine and pure peace in my heart too much to achieve in this lifetime? <br />
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Maybe that will just have to wait for when I get to heaven???<br />
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P.S. Don't worry. I have no plans to get to heaven any time soon. :) My work here is far from done.Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-68625390864403657642012-01-29T20:06:00.000-08:002012-01-29T20:17:08.501-08:00ProgressI think you have two choices when you are going through grief. You can either learn and grow (about yourself and about others) and move through the journey. Or become stagnant and lifeless. <br />
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It's not easy. But, I think those are our choices. Those are MY choices.<br />
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Me? I keep moving. I fought through my grief after the loss of Aiden and I continue to fight through my grief after the loss of Jeremiah. <br />
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Daily I remind myself to take control over my journey and be led by my faith in God and His many plans for me. I have to give Him and His promises the control instead of letting my grief control me. This is what keeps me moving. When I don't feel like I can fight any more, I ask God to help me through. When I am unable to see my future, I trust in the future that I know God has for me.<br />
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Progress? It's hard to measure on your own, but if you don't stop and measure your progress, you won’t be able to see it. I think that is why people often get stuck, because they cannot see how far they have come. <br />
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When I look at the posts on this blog and reflect on my own private thoughts, I see change and progress. I see a lot of pain and sorrow too. It’s all there, I’ve held nothing back- there's no place to hide. I’ve been as real as I can be. But know this: while I have had and will continue to have moments of weakness and sometimes feel like I want to give up, I know that it is in those moments, that I can trust God to take control and put me back on track.<br />
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I have fought many inner battles over the deaths of my sons... Guilt, shame, anger, mistrust, and sorrow so deep that I can’t see my way out. When you are so wounded it’s hard to fight the negative, sad and destructive thoughts. <br />
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<em>“Warriors cannot fight when they are wounded. The kind of battle that rages in a grief-filled heart is one of hopelessness. When we don’t care if we survive, it’s hard not to give up on everything, even God. It’s hard to lay down the heaviness of grief long enough to put on our spiritual armor, but it is the armor that equips us for the rest of our journey.”</em></blockquote>
I've surrounded mysef with quotes like this. I've put them up on my bathroom mirror so I could see them everyday. I put messages in my pockets. In my books. On my laptop – anywhere I will see them to remind me I am NOT fighting this battle alone. <br />
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There are still moments when my heart is so heavy I feel like I can't bear it nor do I care to. At times, I feel so wounded that I have little desire to move on. I wish I could have and hold Aiden and Jeremiah in my arms and watch them grow. But through friends, scripture and the love and grace of God, I get through those difficult moments. <br />
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Through the shadows, I see more and more light began to shine again every day.<br />
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<br />Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-65113929302432622182011-12-26T22:15:00.000-08:002011-12-27T09:43:38.926-08:00Next?I'm feeling a little guilty...<br />
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It's December 26th and already the tree is down, the decorations are put away- nearly all signs of Christmas (minus the wreath on the front door and a house full of new toys!) are packed away. <br />
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I'm not sure what my rush is or was, but I think a part of me has been bracing myself. Just get through Christmas, I keep telling myself.... <br />
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Now, I guess I can check that off of my list and move forward.<br />
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Next hurdle? The excitement of the New Year and Jeremiah's due date. January 19th. Ready or not, it's coming. And I am bracing myself...<br />
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My goal for 2012 is to truly be <em>hopeful</em>. I want and need to get beyond the words and really feel it. I want to be happy and joyful again. I want to quit thinking destructful and sad thoughts. I want to be thankful. Greatful. Appreciative. I simply want to feel like <em>me</em> again. I don't like looking at life through these grief-colored eyes.<br />
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I'm torn between my grief and my future. They are not sitting well side-by-side. One is getting the best of me.<br />
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Before I got pregnant with Jeremiah, I felt the strongest and healthiest- both emotionally and physically, than I have in a long time. I want to feel that strength and motivation again. <br />
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I <em>will</em> feel that strength and motivation again.<br />
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Because I am not alone:<br />
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I know good things are in store for me:<br />
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Although it may feel impossible to me:<br />
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<em><strong>Nothing is impossible with God.</strong></em> <br />
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He is my <em>strength</em>. <br />
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My <em>courage</em>. <br />
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My <em>hope</em>. <br />
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My <em>future</em>.<br />
<br />Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-71168826948250655992011-12-24T21:56:00.000-08:002011-12-24T19:57:05.013-08:00HopeI often sit in silence with tears in my eyes and what seems like a permanent ache in my chest. In these moments I ask God to help me make it through. That’s all I want – to get through Christmas and the months ahead and to come out the other side as unscathed as possible. <br />
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So today, I remind myself what Christmas is about… HOPE. <br />
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Hope isn’t a wish, or a dream, or a warm fuzzy thought. <br />
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Hope is a reality. <br />
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Hope is a fact. <br />
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Hope is Jesus. <br />
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Hope is the reality that because of Christmas… because Jesus came in the form of a little baby to offer salvation to the world… I will one day stand in heaven with all my babies in my arms.<br />
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Until that day comes, I remember that I was chosen to carry them. <br />
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I remember that they have made me who I am. <br />
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And I will remember that I have been given the greatest gift of all. Salvation.<br />
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As I walk into this Christmas season with my heart aching for little ones no longer with us, I can rejoice and celebrate knowing that <em>hope</em> is a fact and I will one day hold them again. <br />
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Greatest blessings and prayers to you all this Christmas season. May you have hope and peace in your heart. <br />
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<br />Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-66014195692118640522011-12-21T19:12:00.000-08:002011-12-21T19:12:52.088-08:00The UnseenThis post is inspired by a post I read from Small Bird Studios.<br />
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In between this world and the next there are many things that go unseen.<br />
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Tears.</div>
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Thoughts.<br />
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Wonders.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga4xsycm93QLZQEriersswKCkNqgO4aNRgZw_SWOQ4841wggxJup7n_pCBtQ7OBiWTzB43QjHEe3bsvYnp7TPEjjxR7aRg0i2724B43Rp56-lNyxUZRS79j4pmdgNIKCwYcHr0n9uMmQE/s1600/388361_2338491854796_1024887807_32658005_1881740922_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga4xsycm93QLZQEriersswKCkNqgO4aNRgZw_SWOQ4841wggxJup7n_pCBtQ7OBiWTzB43QjHEe3bsvYnp7TPEjjxR7aRg0i2724B43Rp56-lNyxUZRS79j4pmdgNIKCwYcHr0n9uMmQE/s400/388361_2338491854796_1024887807_32658005_1881740922_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Frustrations.<br />
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Questions.<br />
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Silence.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOGMmWJhNEOY8fcZ3hwp2N85GhZOIjQqmnHp0X9bGbtMVDyS6EwuelRh9rjBF8cejYTcbHJApzpsZ0wUntlPosrCsoZONm9B00o8TA9cEbK9XwE9cKx99px_pAFMz258yp95j9ZwDNK-I/s1600/387392_2338492134803_1024887807_32658006_2068161491_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOGMmWJhNEOY8fcZ3hwp2N85GhZOIjQqmnHp0X9bGbtMVDyS6EwuelRh9rjBF8cejYTcbHJApzpsZ0wUntlPosrCsoZONm9B00o8TA9cEbK9XwE9cKx99px_pAFMz258yp95j9ZwDNK-I/s400/387392_2338492134803_1024887807_32658006_2068161491_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Miracles.<br />
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Hopes.<br />
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Dreams.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-QE63GAuyHsI0pifhy6Px3zkwSmWvalP08JwrrBd2AOVNASyXrcH-GHntnsppD_IPzMaCqEq5t7fQD0znapN5MJZWlKAhRtww7ZLCnn2cfJSe7aiQZ07MNliWwRRiXZjQKyhL_VCpdn0/s1600/389373_2338495814895_1024887807_32658019_348241688_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-QE63GAuyHsI0pifhy6Px3zkwSmWvalP08JwrrBd2AOVNASyXrcH-GHntnsppD_IPzMaCqEq5t7fQD0znapN5MJZWlKAhRtww7ZLCnn2cfJSe7aiQZ07MNliWwRRiXZjQKyhL_VCpdn0/s400/389373_2338495814895_1024887807_32658019_348241688_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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A realization that He never, ever left my side.<br />
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Ever.<br />
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The sadness, anger, what-have-you, just has a way of smushing joy out.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnswfGiYOfB1iOXisUp92x1SweWGvBGxkYWCmH1SGGQVpWiHXuemW7nbfp2FsG187NtyBsYl5do_p9pRZWxFy3F6vXyhkxYwrp9GYRZ0on6Tj3TtrqutHNu5hrUcU5iswpmMx4Agy83Kg/s1600/389674_2338496454911_1024887807_32658021_1179138391_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnswfGiYOfB1iOXisUp92x1SweWGvBGxkYWCmH1SGGQVpWiHXuemW7nbfp2FsG187NtyBsYl5do_p9pRZWxFy3F6vXyhkxYwrp9GYRZ0on6Tj3TtrqutHNu5hrUcU5iswpmMx4Agy83Kg/s400/389674_2338496454911_1024887807_32658021_1179138391_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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In between my world and yours, sweet baby boys,<br />
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what others don’t see,<br />
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what I don’t allow them to see most of the time...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9puXOFqN7eJ0WJRuY_-d6lN4cehQTGyW_w_c58-LDPF5BG_xNxUXaDFGS3GkYkNDEc6h9lPDAox43LCztnhqNyFR03Ux0wd0hJJcKhVgflLj0kt5neaBrR9E94xMYgKYICyvgbZ5me4Y/s1600/297701_2338493494837_1024887807_32658011_2090695350_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9puXOFqN7eJ0WJRuY_-d6lN4cehQTGyW_w_c58-LDPF5BG_xNxUXaDFGS3GkYkNDEc6h9lPDAox43LCztnhqNyFR03Ux0wd0hJJcKhVgflLj0kt5neaBrR9E94xMYgKYICyvgbZ5me4Y/s400/297701_2338493494837_1024887807_32658011_2090695350_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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My lack of patience for Heaven.<br />
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The tears that fall late, late at night.<br />
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My fears.<br />
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The longing in my heart for my baby boys...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT29zEwwNBdPrexbMQiV_mIerNgPIMbJwDNV4o8MVS6DgolsNvNsJ84RAdeqBeIcWp8nGztawgEN41g8EJdOusizbbm2IE49JySOMG-D9RbsDaboBQiYXfuCN-MhnGKP55yWgKlFFTXHQ/s1600/385098_2338497934948_1024887807_32658029_1407562598_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT29zEwwNBdPrexbMQiV_mIerNgPIMbJwDNV4o8MVS6DgolsNvNsJ84RAdeqBeIcWp8nGztawgEN41g8EJdOusizbbm2IE49JySOMG-D9RbsDaboBQiYXfuCN-MhnGKP55yWgKlFFTXHQ/s320/385098_2338497934948_1024887807_32658029_1407562598_n.jpg" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCdKK_lDxoasXvcLge-YE7LOylQB9cdu8hCkXZGEwXD2zAdGINvpsJM5zQFjX1Di-blNrcNs-SQLs7KFCUnbTnsWCmn1Rqog8u-R1GOXph_Aawy4ZiFNvXrBeMBRGrDyRE1AFvljXB4Nc/s1600/386737_2338498654966_1024887807_32658034_558195010_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCdKK_lDxoasXvcLge-YE7LOylQB9cdu8hCkXZGEwXD2zAdGINvpsJM5zQFjX1Di-blNrcNs-SQLs7KFCUnbTnsWCmn1Rqog8u-R1GOXph_Aawy4ZiFNvXrBeMBRGrDyRE1AFvljXB4Nc/s320/386737_2338498654966_1024887807_32658034_558195010_n.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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I’ve lost you, and big chunks of myself. <br />
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I can’t lose much more.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCNzk9uZNh_BDtFbhLZmAtgSLQgreLUZLSimBaPhBQDR10PRps4oI_0BssEO9j3ySBlPYCaQFRaCI4gfn4h8Cwg4g0LOU1yPwF7TlYbtOn3EBpAn5SU1fdT8NxyVoM-mtd7S4KDcHM3Wc/s1600/387890_2338494854871_1024887807_32658015_124218639_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCNzk9uZNh_BDtFbhLZmAtgSLQgreLUZLSimBaPhBQDR10PRps4oI_0BssEO9j3ySBlPYCaQFRaCI4gfn4h8Cwg4g0LOU1yPwF7TlYbtOn3EBpAn5SU1fdT8NxyVoM-mtd7S4KDcHM3Wc/s400/387890_2338494854871_1024887807_32658015_124218639_n.jpg" width="266" /></a></div>
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In moments of pure happiness, I miss my boys that should be in that moment celebrating with us too.</div>
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It doesn’t steal the joy of the moment.<br />
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But what goes unseen to the rest of the world, is seen by me.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9Hukfpr8ZacoyydW0wrh8qrynXy11U5p9RNjzeqWgYMl5VDbvWh_3J9TKfmEgf9C0y9AgCwusoQ8i_mJQG60-xRlH_n0nR0cB5n09a_d0Wp4B4-oXi-oIFthVmKjxOvPs3NcW6t7KVBI/s1600/381724_298515833511751_126591744037495_1118885_749062913_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9Hukfpr8ZacoyydW0wrh8qrynXy11U5p9RNjzeqWgYMl5VDbvWh_3J9TKfmEgf9C0y9AgCwusoQ8i_mJQG60-xRlH_n0nR0cB5n09a_d0Wp4B4-oXi-oIFthVmKjxOvPs3NcW6t7KVBI/s400/381724_298515833511751_126591744037495_1118885_749062913_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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And while the rest of the world does not, </div>
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and just simply put CANNOT see the holes in this life that I see everywhere I go…<br />
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I am certain, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the tears that fall for you here are kept.<br />
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They matter to the One that holds you tonight.Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5252482737340601443.post-64418294738665793482011-12-14T21:11:00.000-08:002011-12-14T21:11:51.263-08:00The tunnelI've decided that this isn't a roller coaster ride that I am on. Although a roller coaster ride if often filled with twists and turns (which I am facing), there's far too much excitement connected to roller coaster rides. And, there's nothing exciting about what I am going through.<br />
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What I am going through feels much more like a long and narrow, black tunnel. An underground tunnel that has covered me with dirt and despair. It feels suffocating. There's so much darkness on this journey that sometimes, I just don't know which way is up or out. <br />
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I keep crawling and climbing, searching for the light, but many days it feels it doesn't matter how hard I push through. It doesn't matter how much I pursue the light. It just feels like I simply can't get there. I see glimses of the light, glimses of happiness, but at the end of the day, I feel covered in the darkness once again. I am suffocating. <br />
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The fire within me has been dampened by tears and sorrow. <br />
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I so badly want to be free from this deep pain, but it's not something that I can shake off or just choose to go away. I wish I could.<br />
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Closure?<br />
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Closure, our culture tells us, will bring about a tidy ending, a sense of completion. I would like to neatly seal away all of this pain. I would like to close all of the sad, confused, desperate, angry feelings out of my life. I would like to put all of this pain behind me. <br />
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Closure. <br />
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What an odd concept really, as if we could truly close the door on pain... just turn the lock and throw away the key. The truth is far more complex, of course. Closure is for <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD10">business</span> <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD11">deals</span>. Closure is for <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD8">real estate</span> transactions. Closure is <em>not</em> for feeling or for people we love.<br />
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I am not searching or hoping for closure, instead I am hoping for--- longing for--- praying for--- <em>healing and restoration</em>.<br />
<br />Jolenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12100505656543896574noreply@blogger.com0