Choices

Choices?

On some days I feel strong enough emotionally that I feel like I can make a choice in the morning as to how I will face my day.

On other days, I am so consumed with sadness that it feels impossible.  The ability to make a choice is beyond me.  My grief consumes me and I simply do not carry enough strength within me to make this choice.  It is in these moments that I try to let God carry me and protect me.  I don't need to have the strength within me.  I am not alone.

I wish every day that I could just choose to be:  Grateful.  Thankful.  Hopeful.  Joyful. 

I wish I felt more powerful instead of powerless.

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I have been able to face my fears of letting myself cry and letting myself feel the depths of my pain. 

It is so exhausting.  Tiring.  Draining.

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I wish I could remember more of who I was.  Who was I before I buried two precious little boys? 

I know that I am different.  I look at the world through a different set of eyes- with a different heart.

I resist this change.  I resist who I have become.  I don't like this new me.  There's still a big, dark, heavy cloud hanging over my head.  I know that, as every storm cloud does, it will move on and pass through.  But, a storm is always brewing somewhere...