9 Months

Yet again, as I sit here and reflect, I'm not sure if time is passing too quickly or too slowly.  Thoughts flood my mind, but words escape me.

It has been over 9 months since I held Jeremiah in my arms and nearly 8 years since I held Aiden.  There's not a single day that passes that I don't think of them.  Every moment, of every day, they are with me. 

I can not and will not forget them.  Jeremiah and Aiden were not just hopes and dreams.  They weren't plans that fell through.  They were my babies.  They were my baby boys.

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Today as the boys and I drove in the car, Gavin and Gabe chatted with each other about missing Jeremiah and wishing that he was still here.  They talked about where each of them would sit if Jeremiah's little carseat was nestled in the back of our mini van with them.  They remembered Aiden too.  Tears filled my eyes as I listenend to Gavin and Gabe plan out the seating of themselves and their brothers: Aiden and Gavin seated in the far back seat and Jeremiah and Gabe in the middle row.  I let the image that they were creating flood my heart and my mind.  I can see it so clearly, yet it is so far out of reach.

We've shared many conversations like this and I know I've said it before, but I so cherish these moments.  I let myself imagine how our lives would be different.  These moments make me smile, but again, they fill my heart with such loss, emptiness and devastation too.

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I look forward to the summer months when we can all relax and enjoy being together as a family- no alarms to be set, no school bus to catch, no homework to be done...  But I am also dreading this summer.  In July we will celebrate Aiden's 8th heavenly birthday.  In August we will celebrate Jeremiah's 1st birthday in heaven.  I don't know how my heart can sustain this grief and yet move forward and makes plans for our future.

There are many days of summer, but my mind and heart are consumed with two specific and special days.  I know I will get through this summer and many more, but I still ask myself how?  How will I survive and will I ever thrive again?

On many days, I feel so beat down and broken, but I force myself to move.  Just move.

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Next week, my husband and I will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary.  When I think about all that we have been through together in the first 10 years of our marriage, I am so thankful.  I am thankful for all that we have created together, all that we have shared, all that we have endured, all that we have embraced.  I have not lost sight of all the beauty that we have in our lives. 

I am blesssed. 

We are blessed.

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I am:  Sweetly broken.  Wholly surrendered.  Forever thankful.