Sunday, January 29, 2012

Progress

I think you have two choices when you are going through grief.  You can either learn and grow (about yourself and about others) and move through the journey. Or become stagnant and lifeless.

It's not easy.  But, I think those are our choices.  Those are MY choices.

Me?  I keep moving.  I fought through my grief after the loss of Aiden and I continue to fight through my grief after the loss of Jeremiah. 

Daily I remind myself to take control over my journey and be led by my faith in God and His many plans for me.  I have to give Him and His promises the control instead of letting my grief control me.  This is what keeps me moving.  When I don't feel like I can fight any more, I ask God to help me through.  When I am unable to see my future, I trust in the future that I know God has for me.



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Progress?  It's hard to measure on your own, but if you don't stop and measure your progress, you won’t be able to see it.  I think that is why people often get stuck, because they cannot see how far they have come. 

When I look at the posts on this blog and reflect on my own private thoughts, I see change and progress.  I see a lot of pain and sorrow too.  It’s all there, I’ve held nothing back- there's no place to hide.  I’ve been as real as I can be.  But know this: while I have had and will continue to have moments of weakness and sometimes feel like I want to give up, I know that it is in those moments, that I can trust God to take control and put me back on track.

I have fought many inner battles over the deaths of my sons...  Guilt, shame, anger, mistrust, and sorrow so deep that I can’t see my way out.  When you are so wounded it’s hard to fight the negative, sad and destructive thoughts.
“Warriors cannot fight when they are wounded. The kind of battle that rages in a grief-filled heart is one of hopelessness. When we don’t care if we survive, it’s hard not to give up on everything, even God. It’s hard to lay down the heaviness of grief long enough to put on our spiritual armor, but it is the armor that equips us for the rest of our journey.”
I've surrounded mysef with quotes like this.  I've put them up on my bathroom mirror so I could see them everyday.  I put messages in my pockets.  In my books.  On my laptop – anywhere I will see them to remind me I am NOT fighting this battle alone.

There are still moments when my heart is so heavy I feel like I can't bear it nor do I care to.  At times, I feel so wounded that I have little desire to move on.  I wish I could have and hold Aiden and Jeremiah in my arms and watch them grow.  But through friends, scripture and the love and grace of God, I get through those difficult moments.

Through the shadows, I see more and more light began to shine again every day.