3 Weeks Later

Wow.  I can hardly believe that three and a half weeks have passed by.  It's been three weeks since we buried our son, Jeremiah.  I can hardly believe that I am saying those words.  I don't want to say it outloud.  Although, I may say those words, my heart refuses to believe it and really feel the depth of that pain.  I can't believe that this is my life.  I am 33 years old and I have buried two sons.  Seriously?  How does one cope with that???

There are so many thoughts racing through my head at any given time these days.  Most of them about the future because I am so afraid to look back.  So afraid to feel all of the emotions that are screaming inside of me.  I continue to push them down and am too afraid to let them surface.  Tears fill my eyes, but I quickly dry them.

We buried our first son, Aiden, over 7 years ago.  I remember the pain and the heartache and how unbearable life seemed at times.  I learned so much about myself- my strength, my faith, and hope.  I remember the fear that the tears would stop.  I remember so badly wanting to grieve the 'right' way.  Mostly, I remember that I survived.  And more than that, I thrived. 

Today, after now burying another child... another child that MY body has failed, I am trying to remember all of the wonderful, beautiful things that my son Aiden's life taught me.  But, I am so far refusing to feel and although I am able to remember the life lessons that I learned, my connection to them is so distant. I am numb. 

I know that I will heal.  I will find joy again.  Life will look beautiful again.  That is that reality of the future.  As for now,  as for today, I just don't know how my heart can handle this.  If I know all of those things, can't I just fast-forward to that time and be there?  I don't want to feel between now and then...  but, I know that I have to.

I have so many expectations of myself.  I know I need to feel.  I need to grieve.  I need to scream out...  But, simply put, I can't.  Not now.  I am so afraid, yet I don't know exactly what it is that I fear.  I have lived through a mother's worst nightmare.  Now, I just need to do it again.  Again?

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that I would be a mom.  Really, it's all that I wanted to be.  And I am.  I look into the eyes of our living sons, Gavin and Gabe, and am forever thankful that I get to share my life with them and be a part of theirs.  But, our family is not complete.