Saturday, May 26, 2012

Celebrations

We celebrated Gavin's 7th birthday today.  I am so thankful and feel so blessed to be his mom.  Sweet memories of his birth flood through me.

-------------------------------

I'll never forget, after over 20 hours of labor, the moment that my doctor, Dr. Burris told me that my son was going to be in my arms in a matter of minutes.  Although I had been pregnant for 9 months and had been seeing my doctors weekly, I never really knew or believed that I would deliver a child that I would be able to leave the hospital with and have the opportunity to raise.

Sadly, having lost our first son, Aiden, my naivety was gone and I realized that carrying your child in your womb does not mean that you always get to carry your child home.  Laying in the delivery room, moments before Gavin was born, tears ran down my face.  This was our moment.  It was really happening.  We were going to meet our son.

-------------------------------

After Gavin's birthday party festivities, Gavin, Gabe, Tom and I cuddled on the couch and I pulled out the boy's baby scrapbooks.  We flipped through them, page-by-page and I shared my memories of the days when they were born.

I took the opportunity to hold them in my arms and really tell them how much I love them.  We laughed at their silly pictures and oohed and ahhed over how cute they were!  I shared with them how much they are loved and how the days they were born were truly, the best days of my life.

-----------------------------

Sharing moments like these with Gavin and Gabe always make me think of my other little boys, Aiden and Jeremiah.  I remember their births.  I remember how much I love them.  I remember how the days of their births were truly, the best days of my life too.

It's hard sometimes to say that because the days that Aiden and Jeremiah were born were also the most devastating days of my life.  But first and foremost, they were the beautiful days that I was blessed to meet and hold my sons- if even for a moment.

----------------------------

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Happy Birthday, Gavin!

It seems like just
a little while ago
you raised your tiny head
and smiled at me
for the first time
and I smiled back with tears.
I loved you so much then
and though you are a little older now;
I still look at your beautiful smile
and love you even more.
I feel so fortunate to have you for a son.
I love your bright face
when we talk about the world.
I love your smile
when we laugh together.
I love your eyes
when you are showing emotion.
I love your mind
when you are discovering new ideas
and creating dreams to follow.
I want you to know
that I enjoy you so much and
I love the time we spend together.
I am so proud of you
and the young man you are becoming.
I love you.






Thursday, May 10, 2012

9 Months

Yet again, as I sit here and reflect, I'm not sure if time is passing too quickly or too slowly.  Thoughts flood my mind, but words escape me.

It has been over 9 months since I held Jeremiah in my arms and nearly 8 years since I held Aiden.  There's not a single day that passes that I don't think of them.  Every moment, of every day, they are with me. 

I can not and will not forget them.  Jeremiah and Aiden were not just hopes and dreams.  They weren't plans that fell through.  They were my babies.  They were my baby boys.

--------------------------------

Today as the boys and I drove in the car, Gavin and Gabe chatted with each other about missing Jeremiah and wishing that he was still here.  They talked about where each of them would sit if Jeremiah's little carseat was nestled in the back of our mini van with them.  They remembered Aiden too.  Tears filled my eyes as I listenend to Gavin and Gabe plan out the seating of themselves and their brothers: Aiden and Gavin seated in the far back seat and Jeremiah and Gabe in the middle row.  I let the image that they were creating flood my heart and my mind.  I can see it so clearly, yet it is so far out of reach.

We've shared many conversations like this and I know I've said it before, but I so cherish these moments.  I let myself imagine how our lives would be different.  These moments make me smile, but again, they fill my heart with such loss, emptiness and devastation too.

-------------------------------

I look forward to the summer months when we can all relax and enjoy being together as a family- no alarms to be set, no school bus to catch, no homework to be done...  But I am also dreading this summer.  In July we will celebrate Aiden's 8th heavenly birthday.  In August we will celebrate Jeremiah's 1st birthday in heaven.  I don't know how my heart can sustain this grief and yet move forward and makes plans for our future.

There are many days of summer, but my mind and heart are consumed with two specific and special days.  I know I will get through this summer and many more, but I still ask myself how?  How will I survive and will I ever thrive again?

On many days, I feel so beat down and broken, but I force myself to move.  Just move.

------------------------------

Next week, my husband and I will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary.  When I think about all that we have been through together in the first 10 years of our marriage, I am so thankful.  I am thankful for all that we have created together, all that we have shared, all that we have endured, all that we have embraced.  I have not lost sight of all the beauty that we have in our lives. 

I am blesssed. 

We are blessed.

-----------------------------

I am:  Sweetly broken.  Wholly surrendered.  Forever thankful.