My beautiful beginning: A letter to my baby boy,

All at once, I am filled with such excitement and wistfulness as I think about your coming arrival.  You are the essence of bittersweet.  It seems that you may be our last little one, little boy.  We definitely don't think of you as the end though.  You are nothing short of a miracle and you, my precious son, are a beautiful beginning. 

I treasure the feeling of each of your movements and I am continuously in awe of what a blessing it is to grow a tiny life inside of me.  I adore our snuggles and quiet times together.  Each morning as I rise, each night as I drift off to sleep and every moment in between, you are with me. 

I feel you.

Within my womb;

Within my heart;

I share everything I am with you.

When I am exhausted and achy- when my body hurts, I will try to focus and to remember to work harder at being thankful for the many reasons why I feel this way.  I want to experience you fully, both the pleasures and the pains.  I yearn to remember these emotions and fleeting sensations with gratitude. 

Because, for you baby boy, I am so utterly grateful. 

You have changed my world.

Little one, you don't have a proper name yet, but I love you with all of my being.  You are such a blessing and every day we are thankful for you.  You have an eager family waiting for you.  You have a proud daddy and two handsome big brothers waiting here for you who simply cannot wait to wrap their arms around you and show and teach you everything they know.

 

They love you so much already and they amaze me every day with the ways in which they share their love for you with me.  Whether it’s your daddy’s strong and loving hands or your brother’s curious and imaginative hands, as they rest them upon my belly and they feel you wiggle and squirm from within, I am overcome with an awe that is nearly indescribable.  There is such a beauty in watching each of their eyes light up as they see, feel and embrace you.  It takes my breath away every time and I am honored to be able to share these moments with them and with you. 

You are my little boy and I cannot wait until the day that I will deliver you into the awaiting arms of your loving family.  What a miracle I get to be a part of!  I know that not only will you melt my heart and your daddy’s heart when you fill our arms, but there is no doubt in my mind that you will melt Gavin and Gabe’s hearts too.  Honestly, I think you already have…

Sweet, baby boy, you will be treasured. 

And celebrated. 
And admired.
You will be oohed and aahed over.
You will be, you are, so very cherished.

There have been tiny little feet that have entered this world and this family before you, but I am certain that you will leave a legacy and an imprint upon our family and our lives that no one before you has.  You, my precious boy, fill our hearts and our future with hope.  You are the next chapter of our humble family story as it unfolds and we are truly blessed to have you! 

My hopes and dreams for you are many, but my greatest wish for you is that you feel the Lord’s love and direction in your life.  It’s simple really, above all else, I pray that you love Him with great abandon.  I believe that God has filled our hearts with you and we are so thankful.  I pray that you are filled with thankfulness as your story unfolds and as your eyes and heart experience all that this beautifully-complicated world has to offer. 

You will have an amazing life. 

I just know it. 

Because it has already begun...  

Part of me would like to ask you to hurry- I am tired and wobbly.  My body hurts and I am ready to meet you.

Instead, I will wait. 

Patiently. 

For you. 

 

I will continue enjoying this time with you on the inside.  A few more months and I'll be seeing your sweetest smile, feeling your soft skin pressed against mine and feeling your sweet breath on me. 

I am just so excited. 

Enjoy your time growing big and strong.  There are so many out here waiting for you.  We love you so much little boy.  We have longed for you for what seems like an eternity. 

Come as you are, my sweet and little boy.  

And come when you are ready. 

We'll be waiting for you. 

 

With every ounce of my heart,
Mama

 

Summertime moments

It has been too long since I have sat down and had the energy to focus and really reflect on all the thoughts and emotions that pour through this mind of mine on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, there have been too many emotions to try to recap but, I can remember enough to share some of the moments!  So, here’s a quick attempt to recap all that has happened in the last few months! 

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It’s been a whirlwind!  We travelled out to New Jersey to meet with the amazing Dr. Davis and the staff at Kennedy Hospital to have my TVCIC surgery performed.  The surgery was a success, my recovery was a breeze and I feel so blessed that we had the knowledge and the ability to make this surgery happen.  God has been walking beside our family through all of this! 

Before surgery snuggles with my boys!

 

 

This summer we also celebrated Jeremiah's 1st birthday in heaven.  We celebrated with a picnic in the park, sent our precious little boy some balloons and then stopped by the cemetery to say hello.

 

Hand-in-hand, thankful for each other.

 

It's been a year.  A year.  Wow.  There’s still not a day that goes by that Jeremiah is not on my mind and in my heart (Aiden too).  As we celebrated and remembered Jeremiah, I couldn’t help but think back about where we were a year ago at this time and think about all that has unfolded over the last 12 months… 

Losing a child takes you to the edge of despair.  Often you feel like one little breeze is all it will take to push you over the edge.  There is an emptiness, a longing, an ache that is so large and so all-encompassing, that sometimes you just don’t know how you will carry on.   But, here I am.  I have carried on.  I must remind myself of this!  Somehow, daily, I am filled with a peace and a joy that I can only thank and praise God for!  My strength comes from Him. 

Don’t get me wrong, my pain is and will always be real.  My heart will forever be wounded and I will forever wish all of my boys were here on this earth with me.  But, God has filled me with the strength, peace and comfort that only He can. 

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This past August, we had the pleasure of finding out that we are having… another little boy!! 

 

We wanted to do something fun and exciting for Gavin and Gabe (and us too!) so, we set up a fun gender reveal!  We had an envelope with the results of our ultrasound sealed inside.  We brought the envelope to the store and they opened it and then secretly filled the box with the appropriate colored balloons.  So, until we got home and opened the box, nobody knew what color of balloons were inside! 

 

It was such an exciting moment!  We were all thrilled to find out that we’re having Roth Baby Boy #5 join our family in a few short months!  I’ll admit, a big part of me was hoping for a little girl though!  But, I really feel like God has filled me with the gifts to raise strong, compassionate and courageous young men.  And I do so gladly! 

 

Maybe that little girl will be next time?  Wink, wink...

JOY is now

I've been keeping a secret and for those of you who know me, you know that this is not one of my strong suits and it's hard for me to do! 

So, here we go!!  We are thrilled to announce that we are expecting Baby Roth #5!!  I have been wanting to share this exciting news for weeks and it has been so hard for me to not do just that: share!

I wish I could say that excitement is the only emotion that I have been feeling, but as many of you can expect, I have had many emotions run through me.  My mind naturally races and I worry about the life and future of this little baby that I have been chosen to carry. 

 

Although I find myself at times worrying because I don't know what the future has in store for us, I do choose to and need to remind myself that our JOY is now.  Whatever may happen down the road, our joy is here.  It's real.  It's NOW.  In this moment...  And there is nothing like sharing joy!  

 

I am scared.  I am fearful.   I am nervous.   But I am hopeful.  I am full of faith.  And I am thankful.

 

If, God forbid, something terrible happens, I pray that you will grieve with us and support us.  I know that fear and grief can never erase the joy of this moment from our life - it continues to be real.  I also know that if I delay and don't share it and something happens, I will never have shared this amazing moment and there is nothing left to share but the surprise of tragedy and sorrow, or alternatively, somehow deal with it on my own.   And that, I can't do.  

 

So, for today I want to share our joy with you! 

 

 

We have prayed for months and months that if and when we were blessed with another child, that we would have clarity and peace in our hearts as to what course of treatment to seek to best care for this child and this pregnancy.  I feel beyond blessed to share with you that our prayers have been answered!

 

After many doctor appointments, many hours of research, conversations and prayer, we have a plan that we are confident with.

 

Next week we will be boarding a plane to New Jersey where I will be seeing a fabulous doctor who specializes in the treatment of women with my condition.  He is able to perform an amazing surgery that will give us a wonderfully high success rate for a full-term and healthy pregnancy.  It's an option that several months ago I didn't even know existed.

 

The surgery he will perform is called a Transvaginal Cervico Isthmic Cerclage and it will give my cervix the extra strength that it needs in order to bring our precious little child safely into our arms.  It is minimally invasive (day surgery), highly successful, it will enable me to have a natural delivery and in theory, a "normal" pregnancy. 

 

I wish I could express to you how amazing it is to have this opportunity and the ability to be able to make this happen.  Not many doctors have heard of this procedure, let alone perform it! 

 

I sent an email to this doctor in New Jersey on a Wednesday night and on Thursday evening, he called me at home!  Our follow-up converation the next day was when he told me that our insurance would cover the procedure!!  Amazing!  

 

There is much more to this story and I wish I could share it all!  But let's just say that God is good!  God is faithful!  And I know that he has and will continue to bless our family!

 

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."  Ephesians 3:20

 

 

We continue to welcome your love, prayers and support for our family in the days and months ahead!  Thank you for sharing in this joy with us!

Happy Birthday, Aiden

Today was Aiden's 8th birthday in heaven.  His coming birthday weighs heavy on my heart every summer.  I know it's coming.  It's a time that I look forward, but I wish I was celebrating it in much different ways. 

I have learned over the years since Aiden has passed how to grieve for him, yet celebrate his life and all the goodness, love and blessings that he has brought our family.   I am prepared for this day, but in some respects, my emotions always seem to sneak up on me in unexpected ways.  I feel like I should be used to this by now, but I'm not.  I think I'm actually thankful for this.  Thankful that Aiden's life continuously brings me something new to think about.

This year just feels different though. This year, I am haunted by the fact in one more short month, I will celebrate another heavenly birthday.  Ugh.  It's hard. 

But, I'll stop there and put my conflicting emotions aside.  Today was about Aiden and the joy he has brought us.

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We had a wonderful day today as a family- celebrating all that we are together.  We talked about Aiden and all shared ideas of what we thought he would like to do, what his favorite games to play would be, what his favorite food would be, etc.  We laughed together and we explored together.  We loved one another.  We do these things every day, but today, we really slowed down and just soaked each other up. 

We decided at the last minute to hop in to the car and head to Wild Mountain in Taylors Falls.  We always do something special on Aiden's birthday and this year we decided to do something that we thought he would like- something that I'm sure he would have loved to do and something that would be memorable and fun for Gavin and Gabe too.  So, we packed a cooler and off we went! 

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Seeing Gavin and Gabe have so much fun, never gets old.  They are becoming such courageous little men and I just love watching them grow up!  Gabe wanted to go down the water slides with me so, I snuggled up behind him and held him tight as we hopped in our inner tubes and headed down the slides.  We squealed with delight around every twist and corner- getting splashed along the way!  It was so refreshing and I really needed that!

I managed to find myself headed down one of the waterslides all by myself and I embraced the moment by reaching my arms out to the heavens and as tears filled my eyes, I sent Aiden a kiss. 

Happy Birthday, little boy.  Your mommy loves you!

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As we were driving home from our little adventure, we were admiring a beautiful sunset.  Gavin shared that he thought that Jesus sent such a beautiful sunset for us to see because it was Aiden's birthday. 

I told him that I thought he as right and that I couldn't agree more! 

The picture doesn't quite to it justice, but it was a bright, orange sunset.  The boys thought it looked like lava.  It's very fitting for Aiden's birthday because Aiden's name means "little fire."

Sweet dreams, little boy.  I can only imagine the celebrations that you had in heaven today!

Celebrations

We celebrated Gavin's 7th birthday today.  I am so thankful and feel so blessed to be his mom.  Sweet memories of his birth flood through me.

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I'll never forget, after over 20 hours of labor, the moment that my doctor, Dr. Burris told me that my son was going to be in my arms in a matter of minutes.  Although I had been pregnant for 9 months and had been seeing my doctors weekly, I never really knew or believed that I would deliver a child that I would be able to leave the hospital with and have the opportunity to raise.

Sadly, having lost our first son, Aiden, my naivety was gone and I realized that carrying your child in your womb does not mean that you always get to carry your child home.  Laying in the delivery room, moments before Gavin was born, tears ran down my face.  This was our moment.  It was really happening.  We were going to meet our son.

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After Gavin's birthday party festivities, Gavin, Gabe, Tom and I cuddled on the couch and I pulled out the boy's baby scrapbooks.  We flipped through them, page-by-page and I shared my memories of the days when they were born.

I took the opportunity to hold them in my arms and really tell them how much I love them.  We laughed at their silly pictures and oohed and ahhed over how cute they were!  I shared with them how much they are loved and how the days they were born were truly, the best days of my life.

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Sharing moments like these with Gavin and Gabe always make me think of my other little boys, Aiden and Jeremiah.  I remember their births.  I remember how much I love them.  I remember how the days of their births were truly, the best days of my life too.

It's hard sometimes to say that because the days that Aiden and Jeremiah were born were also the most devastating days of my life.  But first and foremost, they were the beautiful days that I was blessed to meet and hold my sons- if even for a moment.

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Happy Birthday, Gavin!

It seems like just
a little while ago
you raised your tiny head
and smiled at me
for the first time
and I smiled back with tears.
I loved you so much then
and though you are a little older now;
I still look at your beautiful smile
and love you even more.
I feel so fortunate to have you for a son.
I love your bright face
when we talk about the world.
I love your smile
when we laugh together.
I love your eyes
when you are showing emotion.
I love your mind
when you are discovering new ideas
and creating dreams to follow.
I want you to know
that I enjoy you so much and
I love the time we spend together.
I am so proud of you

and the young man you are becoming.
I love you.

9 Months

Yet again, as I sit here and reflect, I'm not sure if time is passing too quickly or too slowly.  Thoughts flood my mind, but words escape me.

It has been over 9 months since I held Jeremiah in my arms and nearly 8 years since I held Aiden.  There's not a single day that passes that I don't think of them.  Every moment, of every day, they are with me. 

I can not and will not forget them.  Jeremiah and Aiden were not just hopes and dreams.  They weren't plans that fell through.  They were my babies.  They were my baby boys.

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Today as the boys and I drove in the car, Gavin and Gabe chatted with each other about missing Jeremiah and wishing that he was still here.  They talked about where each of them would sit if Jeremiah's little carseat was nestled in the back of our mini van with them.  They remembered Aiden too.  Tears filled my eyes as I listenend to Gavin and Gabe plan out the seating of themselves and their brothers: Aiden and Gavin seated in the far back seat and Jeremiah and Gabe in the middle row.  I let the image that they were creating flood my heart and my mind.  I can see it so clearly, yet it is so far out of reach.

We've shared many conversations like this and I know I've said it before, but I so cherish these moments.  I let myself imagine how our lives would be different.  These moments make me smile, but again, they fill my heart with such loss, emptiness and devastation too.

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I look forward to the summer months when we can all relax and enjoy being together as a family- no alarms to be set, no school bus to catch, no homework to be done...  But I am also dreading this summer.  In July we will celebrate Aiden's 8th heavenly birthday.  In August we will celebrate Jeremiah's 1st birthday in heaven.  I don't know how my heart can sustain this grief and yet move forward and makes plans for our future.

There are many days of summer, but my mind and heart are consumed with two specific and special days.  I know I will get through this summer and many more, but I still ask myself how?  How will I survive and will I ever thrive again?

On many days, I feel so beat down and broken, but I force myself to move.  Just move.

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Next week, my husband and I will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary.  When I think about all that we have been through together in the first 10 years of our marriage, I am so thankful.  I am thankful for all that we have created together, all that we have shared, all that we have endured, all that we have embraced.  I have not lost sight of all the beauty that we have in our lives. 

I am blesssed. 

We are blessed.

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I am:  Sweetly broken.  Wholly surrendered.  Forever thankful.

Stillness

In quiet times of reflection- in peaceful moments of thought, I often wonder where the stillness within me comes from.  How can I not be furious at the Lord for the deaths of my sons?

I ask myself this question and the answer is that I have been angry. 

I have been greatly disappointed. 

What I have not been though, and what I refuse to be, is disbelieving.

However easy it is for me to allow myself to cry and wail over my losses, it is a far more satisfying thing to believe that all of this is a brief and temporary season.  The Lord, my God, that I have placed my trust in tells me that I will see my boys again.  And while He stands beside me, He weeps.  He cries for me and he cries with me.  He hurts too.  I think He cries because He sees what I can't. 

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I believe that God could have healed my body and protected Aiden and Jeremiah from being born too soon.  I have never questioned His ability to do that.  What I have questioned- what I have been curious about, is why He didn't.

Many well-intended people have tried to answer this question for me.  I have heard people try to tell me that "it was for the best," but quite honestly, I disagree.  I have been told that "God needed another angel" and again, I don't believe that.  I have grown tired and weary of people trying to explain my grief and pain away because they couldn't stand to just say:  I don't know why this happened.

I am learning that there is a very safe place with the Lord where we don't have to have all of the answers.  God is perfectly capable of revealing Himself.  I don't need to try to fill and the gaps- and you don't either.  I believe that the gaps are there to serve as opportunities to lean into Him despite the gaps being there.

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I will lean on God despite the loss of my sons.  Their seasons of life were cut short and I will continue to grieve the loss of what my boys would have been.  I know that they will not come back to me.  But I know that God has gifted us with the rest of the story.

I wholly believe that He is real.

I believe that he is working everything in my life, and yours, for good.

I believe He can.

I find comfort knowing that I am walking a road that leads to Him and to our precious boys.

No, they won't return to us.

But one day, not so far from now, we will go to them.

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I believe that God can and does perform miracles around us every day.  On the day that Jeremiah was born, I had been active in prayer conversation with God.  I prayed that He would stop my labor and heal my body.  I prayed that my child would be protected.  I prayed to God that I would not have to say hello and good-bye to my child in a single day- again.

Although my prayers were not answered in the way that I wanted them to be, I still believe that God was with me on that day and continues to be with me.  Every single day.  Every moment of my life.

Not why, but how?

A natural part of the grieving process is asking the big, fat 'WHY' question.  Why did my little boys have to die?  Why have I had to bury not one, but two little boys?  Why wasn't I taken instead  Why me?  Why our family?  And on and on and on... 

After the loss of our first son, I think I definitely went through a period of time where I was angry and I asked, screamed, and pleaded with God and asked Him WHY?  Why did my son die before he even had a chance to live?  I think I knew deep down there would never be an answer to this question but it felt good at the time to ask and it released some anger at God.

I learned that I had to let go of the ‘WHY’ and find a way to peace and contentment in my mind and my heart. I had to start moving and keep moving forward and not get stuck in my grief knowing there was not ever going to be a satisfying answer to the WHY questions.

Over the years since the loss of our first son, my relationship with God has carried me through my darkest days.  My faith encourages me to keep moving on even though I don't understand and, on this side of heaven, I don't believe that I will ever fully understand the reasons for the grief that I have faced in this lifetime. 

I've learned to trust- not blindly, but hopefully.

I trust that God is working on me, in me and through me.  He is beside me with every step I take.  And as the poem goes, when I am unable to walk, it is then that He carries me.

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Once I accepted and understood that there was no answer that would satisfy WHY, I had to start asking a different question...  How?

I have been thown back on this tumultuous path of grief and I am trying to, again, get back to asking more hope-filled questions.  I know that the WHYs will never be answered.  My faith redirects my why questions and refocuses them into how questions.

How can I make Aiden and Jeremiah's lives and deaths mean something?
How can I honor their lives?
How can I leave a legacy for my little boys who never got to laugh or cry?
How can I move forward and feel better about myself and my life?
How can I help others who are suffering?

How, how, how instead of why, why, why?

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I so badly want to get to asking the HOW questions,  But in today's moments, I am not quite there- not fully atleast.  I still feel numb. 

At times I catch myself staring blankly throughout the day.  The emptiness somehow seems more bearable that letting my imagination run free.  Part of me wishes I could just close my eyes and imagine my boys, all four of them, walking hand and hand with me.   But at the same time, I am so afraid to let my mind go there. To really visualize what I will never have is... heartbreaking and scary.

I've developed a shield around me that enables me to get through my days.  The tears come less and less, but they are right there- knocking on my wounded door.  Ready to come through at any moment.

I am surviving.  But I am not thriving. 

I just don't know how you do that after burying two sons.

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I do know that I am able to see more joy around me everyday. 

Last month I was driving in the car and I noticed the sun.  Imagine that?  Something that most definitely has been here every day in the months since Jeremiah died.  But, for the first time in many months, I really noticed it.  I noticed its brightness and its warmth.  I'm noticing the flowers in bloom.  The birds chirping.  The green grass growing. 

Joy is finding its way back into my life and my heart.

Each tender kiss from Gabe, I cherish.  Each inquisitive question from Gavin, I embrace.  I hold on to these moments. 

And I hope you hold on to these beautiful moments in your life too.

My heart belongs in these pages...

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Speechless

While driving in the car today our 6 year old, Gavin, asked me a question: "Mom," he said, "Why do your babies die?  Most babies don't die.  So, why do YOUR babies die?"

There was silence in the car.  Pure silence- for what seemed like forever.  The world stopped moving and my mind began spinning- twirling in fast-paced motion.  So many thoughts raced through my mind, but I was speechless.

I wasn't prepared for this question.  It came out of nowhere.  There was no conversation leading up to it.  I simply didn't see it coming and didn't know how to answer it.

Thank goodness my husband was seated beside me.  I think he saw the color leave my face and in an instant, the tears welled up in my eyes.  If there was ever a time that I needed him to speak for me, this was it.  And thankfully, he did.  It took every fiber in my being to remain focused on the road.

My world shattered and I was crushed.  In an instant, I was afraid Gavin pegged me for being a fraud and a failure.  Many of my insecurities rose to the surface.  My face became flushed with shame, guilt and embarrassment.  Gavin has seen several friends and acquaintances of ours recently have babies.  It was like he asked, "Why can they have babies, but you can't?  What's wrong with you?" 

As a mother, my greatest job is to protect my children and my child just realized that I was unable to do that for his brothers.  How will he ever trust me again to protect him?  In a flash, I feared that I broke his trust and this promise to him. 

The question that Gavin had asked, shot threw me like a dagger.  His question was innocent, but I felt like I was being accused and acknowledged for the failure that I am.  I struggle with feeling like a failure and now, Gavin knows that I am one too. 

Although this is not at all what Gavin said, it was like I heard, "Mom, you killed my brothers, Aiden and Jeremiah.  How will you ever protect me?"

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I have no idea how my husband answered Gavin's question.  I completely zoned out and tears fell down my cheeks.

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As I drove, guilt consumed me.  A part of me wanted to just throw my hands up (not out of anger, but out of despair) and say, "You're right.  I am a failure.  My babies die." 

Logically, I know that I did everything possible to save our little boys, but there is still a very natural feeling of guilt that I have for not being able to protect my children.  Aiden and Jeremiah were perfectly healthy little boys.  My body failed them.  I live with this thought every day.

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After a few minutes, there was silence again in the car and I knew that I, myself,  had to acknowledge and answer Gavin's question.  I don't know if he was able to see my reaction to his question.  I don't know if he saw that I was crying.  But I do know that I want him to be able to ask me anything that is on his mind and to not be afraid.  Alll of the crazy thoughts that had just run through my head, were my thoughts- my fears- my insecurities.  I owed it to him to answer his question as best I could.

I took a long and deep breath.  I wiped the tears from my eyes and I tried so hard to keep my voice from cracking.  All that I could think to say to him was to reassure him that if there was anything, anything, that I could have done to save and protect his brothers, Aiden and Jeremiah, I would have.  I told him that sometimes sad things happen and we just don't know why.  I told him that I felt so blessed to have him and his brother, Gabe, here with us. 

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I don't know if that was the right thing to say and I'm sure I will replay this conversation over in my head many, many times.  I will come up with better responses and I will wish that I had said this or that, but I'm learning too.  I don't have all the answers.

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And then, again, from the back seat I heard Gavin say, "Mom, what do you think is the biggest thing on the earth?"

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And so the story goes...

I wonder and I remember

I often wonder what God has planned for me.

I desire to be many things for myself and for others.  But, I continue to have this nagging ache to just be peaceful and whole.  That is something internal that can't necessarily be acted out or shown.  That is a desire of my heart.  And that I don't know how to be. 

I feel scarred and broken.  That I know how to be.  That I am.  But I want more.  I want- I desire a genuine peace in my heart and I just don't know if that will ever be.

I wonder if my ability to feel whole and complete has been taken.  Maybe that is just not for me?  When a part of you is gone from this earth, how can you ever be complete again?

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At night, as I try to sleep, I re-live each moment leading up to Jeremiah's birth. 

I remember the early morning contractions.  I remember the denial.  I remember watching each passing minute on the clock.  I remember my tearful phone call to my sister asking if she would watch my son so I could go to the doctor's.

I remember driving to my doctor's office alone- unable to reach my husband.  I remember my relief as I finally got ahold of him.

I remember sitting in the waiting room with my husband waiting to be called to see the doctor.  I remember my fear growing with each passing contraction.  I remember seeing my beautiful, healthy baby boy on the ultrasound screen.  I remember the look on the doctor's face as she confirmed that my worst nightmare and greatest fear was happening again. 

I can literally hear my own screams of agony as I heard the words come out of my doctor's mouth.  I remember the blood. 

I remember the look on my husbands face as his heart broke once again.

I remember my heart breaking.  I can feel my heart breaking- over and over and over again.

I remember another stage of denial and my brief hope that everything would somehow still be okay.

I remember my realization that I would deliver my son much, much to soon...

I remember asking for gloves to wear because a part of me was afraid of all of the blood.  There was so much of it.  I am ashamed to admit that the first time I held my little boy, I was wearing rubber gloves.

I remember quickly taking off the gloves as soon as I realized I had nothing to fear.  I held a blessing in my arms, my precious baby boy, and craddled him in all my love.  

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Nearly every night this is what I remember. 

And I wonder... Is the desire for genuine and pure peace in my heart too much to achieve in this lifetime? 

Maybe that will just have to wait for when I get to heaven???

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P.S. Don't worry.  I have no plans to get to heaven any time soon.  :)  My work here is far from done.

Progress

I think you have two choices when you are going through grief.  You can either learn and grow (about yourself and about others) and move through the journey. Or become stagnant and lifeless.

It's not easy.  But, I think those are our choices.  Those are MY choices.

Me?  I keep moving.  I fought through my grief after the loss of Aiden and I continue to fight through my grief after the loss of Jeremiah. 

Daily I remind myself to take control over my journey and be led by my faith in God and His many plans for me.  I have to give Him and His promises the control instead of letting my grief control me.  This is what keeps me moving.  When I don't feel like I can fight any more, I ask God to help me through.  When I am unable to see my future, I trust in the future that I know God has for me.

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Progress?  It's hard to measure on your own, but if you don't stop and measure your progress, you won’t be able to see it.  I think that is why people often get stuck, because they cannot see how far they have come. 

When I look at the posts on this blog and reflect on my own private thoughts, I see change and progress.  I see a lot of pain and sorrow too.  It’s all there, I’ve held nothing back- there's no place to hide.  I’ve been as real as I can be.  But know this: while I have had and will continue to have moments of weakness and sometimes feel like I want to give up, I know that it is in those moments, that I can trust God to take control and put me back on track.

I have fought many inner battles over the deaths of my sons...  Guilt, shame, anger, mistrust, and sorrow so deep that I can’t see my way out.  When you are so wounded it’s hard to fight the negative, sad and destructive thoughts.

“Warriors cannot fight when they are wounded. The kind of battle that rages in a grief-filled heart is one of hopelessness. When we don’t care if we survive, it’s hard not to give up on everything, even God. It’s hard to lay down the heaviness of grief long enough to put on our spiritual armor, but it is the armor that equips us for the rest of our journey.”

I've surrounded mysef with quotes like this.  I've put them up on my bathroom mirror so I could see them everyday.  I put messages in my pockets.  In my books.  On my laptop – anywhere I will see them to remind me I am NOT fighting this battle alone.

There are still moments when my heart is so heavy I feel like I can't bear it nor do I care to.  At times, I feel so wounded that I have little desire to move on.  I wish I could have and hold Aiden and Jeremiah in my arms and watch them grow.  But through friends, scripture and the love and grace of God, I get through those difficult moments.

Through the shadows, I see more and more light began to shine again every day.