Stillness

In quiet times of reflection- in peaceful moments of thought, I often wonder where the stillness within me comes from.  How can I not be furious at the Lord for the deaths of my sons?

I ask myself this question and the answer is that I have been angry. 

I have been greatly disappointed. 

What I have not been though, and what I refuse to be, is disbelieving.

However easy it is for me to allow myself to cry and wail over my losses, it is a far more satisfying thing to believe that all of this is a brief and temporary season.  The Lord, my God, that I have placed my trust in tells me that I will see my boys again.  And while He stands beside me, He weeps.  He cries for me and he cries with me.  He hurts too.  I think He cries because He sees what I can't. 

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I believe that God could have healed my body and protected Aiden and Jeremiah from being born too soon.  I have never questioned His ability to do that.  What I have questioned- what I have been curious about, is why He didn't.

Many well-intended people have tried to answer this question for me.  I have heard people try to tell me that "it was for the best," but quite honestly, I disagree.  I have been told that "God needed another angel" and again, I don't believe that.  I have grown tired and weary of people trying to explain my grief and pain away because they couldn't stand to just say:  I don't know why this happened.

I am learning that there is a very safe place with the Lord where we don't have to have all of the answers.  God is perfectly capable of revealing Himself.  I don't need to try to fill and the gaps- and you don't either.  I believe that the gaps are there to serve as opportunities to lean into Him despite the gaps being there.

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I will lean on God despite the loss of my sons.  Their seasons of life were cut short and I will continue to grieve the loss of what my boys would have been.  I know that they will not come back to me.  But I know that God has gifted us with the rest of the story.

I wholly believe that He is real.

I believe that he is working everything in my life, and yours, for good.

I believe He can.

I find comfort knowing that I am walking a road that leads to Him and to our precious boys.

No, they won't return to us.

But one day, not so far from now, we will go to them.

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I believe that God can and does perform miracles around us every day.  On the day that Jeremiah was born, I had been active in prayer conversation with God.  I prayed that He would stop my labor and heal my body.  I prayed that my child would be protected.  I prayed to God that I would not have to say hello and good-bye to my child in a single day- again.

Although my prayers were not answered in the way that I wanted them to be, I still believe that God was with me on that day and continues to be with me.  Every single day.  Every moment of my life.