Friday, October 26, 2012

My beautiful beginning: A letter to my baby boy,

All at once, I am filled with such excitement and wistfulness as I think about your coming arrival.  You are the essence of bittersweet.  It seems that you may be our last little one, little boy.  We definitely don't think of you as the end though.  You are nothing short of a miracle and you, my precious son, are a beautiful beginning. 

I treasure the feeling of each of your movements and I am continuously in awe of what a blessing it is to grow a tiny life inside of me.  I adore our snuggles and quiet times together.  Each morning as I rise, each night as I drift off to sleep and every moment in between, you are with me. 

I feel you.
Within my womb;
Within my heart;
I share everything I am with you.

When I am exhausted and achy- when my body hurts, I will try to focus and to remember to work harder at being thankful for the many reasons why I feel this way.  I want to experience you fully, both the pleasures and the pains.  I yearn to remember these emotions and fleeting sensations with gratitude. 

Because, for you baby boy, I am so utterly grateful. 
You have changed my world.

Little one, you don't have a proper name yet, but I love you with all of my being.  You are such a blessing and every day we are thankful for you.  You have an eager family waiting for you.  You have a proud daddy and two handsome big brothers waiting here for you who simply cannot wait to wrap their arms around you and show and teach you everything they know.
 
They love you so much already and they amaze me every day with the ways in which they share their love for you with me.  Whether it’s your daddy’s strong and loving hands or your brother’s curious and imaginative hands, as they rest them upon my belly and they feel you wiggle and squirm from within, I am overcome with an awe that is nearly indescribable.  There is such a beauty in watching each of their eyes light up as they see, feel and embrace you.  It takes my breath away every time and I am honored to be able to share these moments with them and with you. 

You are my little boy and I cannot wait until the day that I will deliver you into the awaiting arms of your loving family.  What a miracle I get to be a part of!  I know that not only will you melt my heart and your daddy’s heart when you fill our arms, but there is no doubt in my mind that you will melt Gavin and Gabe’s hearts too.  Honestly, I think you already have…

Sweet, baby boy, you will be treasured. 
And celebrated. 
And admired.
You will be oohed and aahed over.
You will be, you are, so very cherished.

There have been tiny little feet that have entered this world and this family before you, but I am certain that you will leave a legacy and an imprint upon our family and our lives that no one before you has.  You, my precious boy, fill our hearts and our future with hope.  You are the next chapter of our humble family story as it unfolds and we are truly blessed to have you! 

My hopes and dreams for you are many, but my greatest wish for you is that you feel the Lord’s love and direction in your life.  It’s simple really, above all else, I pray that you love Him with great abandon.  I believe that God has filled our hearts with you and we are so thankful.  I pray that you are filled with thankfulness as your story unfolds and as your eyes and heart experience all that this beautifully-complicated world has to offer. 

You will have an amazing life. 
I just know it. 
Because it has already begun...  

Part of me would like to ask you to hurry- I am tired and wobbly.  My body hurts and I am ready to meet you.

Instead, I will wait. 
Patiently. 
For you. 
 
I will continue enjoying this time with you on the inside.  A few more months and I'll be seeing your sweetest smile, feeling your soft skin pressed against mine and feeling your sweet breath on me. 

I am just so excited. 

Enjoy your time growing big and strong.  There are so many out here waiting for you.  We love you so much little boy.  We have longed for you for what seems like an eternity. 

Come as you are, my sweet and little boy.  
And come when you are ready. 
We'll be waiting for you. 
 
With every ounce of my heart,
Mama

 

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Summertime moments

It has been too long since I have sat down and had the energy to focus and really reflect on all the thoughts and emotions that pour through this mind of mine on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, there have been too many emotions to try to recap but, I can remember enough to share some of the moments!  So, here’s a quick attempt to recap all that has happened in the last few months! 

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It’s been a whirlwind!  We travelled out to New Jersey to meet with the amazing Dr. Davis and the staff at Kennedy Hospital to have my TVCIC surgery performed.  The surgery was a success, my recovery was a breeze and I feel so blessed that we had the knowledge and the ability to make this surgery happen.  God has been walking beside our family through all of this! 

Before surgery snuggles with my boys!
 
 
This summer we also celebrated Jeremiah's 1st birthday in heaven.  We celebrated with a picnic in the park, sent our precious little boy some balloons and then stopped by the cemetery to say hello.
 
Hand-in-hand, thankful for each other.
 
It's been a year.  A year.  Wow.  There’s still not a day that goes by that Jeremiah is not on my mind and in my heart (Aiden too).  As we celebrated and remembered Jeremiah, I couldn’t help but think back about where we were a year ago at this time and think about all that has unfolded over the last 12 months… 
Losing a child takes you to the edge of despair.  Often you feel like one little breeze is all it will take to push you over the edge.  There is an emptiness, a longing, an ache that is so large and so all-encompassing, that sometimes you just don’t know how you will carry on.   But, here I am.  I have carried on.  I must remind myself of this!  Somehow, daily, I am filled with a peace and a joy that I can only thank and praise God for!  My strength comes from Him
Don’t get me wrong, my pain is and will always be real.  My heart will forever be wounded and I will forever wish all of my boys were here on this earth with me.  But, God has filled me with the strength, peace and comfort that only He can. 
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This past August, we had the pleasure of finding out that we are having… another little boy!! 
 
We wanted to do something fun and exciting for Gavin and Gabe (and us too!) so, we set up a fun gender reveal!  We had an envelope with the results of our ultrasound sealed inside.  We brought the envelope to the store and they opened it and then secretly filled the box with the appropriate colored balloons.  So, until we got home and opened the box, nobody knew what color of balloons were inside! 
 
It was such an exciting moment!  We were all thrilled to find out that we’re having Roth Baby Boy #5 join our family in a few short months!  I’ll admit, a big part of me was hoping for a little girl though!  But, I really feel like God has filled me with the gifts to raise strong, compassionate and courageous young men.  And I do so gladly! 
 
Maybe that little girl will be next time?  Wink, wink...