It may take a while to load, but it's worth the wait!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Speechless
While driving in the car today our 6 year old, Gavin, asked me a question: "Mom," he said, "Why do your babies die? Most babies don't die. So, why do YOUR babies die?"
There was silence in the car. Pure silence- for what seemed like forever. The world stopped moving and my mind began spinning- twirling in fast-paced motion. So many thoughts raced through my mind, but I was speechless.
I wasn't prepared for this question. It came out of nowhere. There was no conversation leading up to it. I simply didn't see it coming and didn't know how to answer it.
Thank goodness my husband was seated beside me. I think he saw the color leave my face and in an instant, the tears welled up in my eyes. If there was ever a time that I needed him to speak for me, this was it. And thankfully, he did. It took every fiber in my being to remain focused on the road.
My world shattered and I was crushed. In an instant, I was afraid Gavin pegged me for being a fraud and a failure. Many of my insecurities rose to the surface. My face became flushed with shame, guilt and embarrassment. Gavin has seen several friends and acquaintances of ours recently have babies. It was like he asked, "Why can they have babies, but you can't? What's wrong with you?"
As a mother, my greatest job is to protect my children and my child just realized that I was unable to do that for his brothers. How will he ever trust me again to protect him? In a flash, I feared that I broke his trust and this promise to him.
The question that Gavin had asked, shot threw me like a dagger. His question was innocent, but I felt like I was being accused and acknowledged for the failure that I am. I struggle with feeling like a failure and now, Gavin knows that I am one too.
Although this is not at all what Gavin said, it was like I heard, "Mom, you killed my brothers, Aiden and Jeremiah. How will you ever protect me?"
------------------------------
I have no idea how my husband answered Gavin's question. I completely zoned out and tears fell down my cheeks.
-----------------------------
As I drove, guilt consumed me. A part of me wanted to just throw my hands up (not out of anger, but out of despair) and say, "You're right. I am a failure. My babies die."
Logically, I know that I did everything possible to save our little boys, but there is still a very natural feeling of guilt that I have for not being able to protect my children. Aiden and Jeremiah were perfectly healthy little boys. My body failed them. I live with this thought every day.
-----------------------------
After a few minutes, there was silence again in the car and I knew that I, myself, had to acknowledge and answer Gavin's question. I don't know if he was able to see my reaction to his question. I don't know if he saw that I was crying. But I do know that I want him to be able to ask me anything that is on his mind and to not be afraid. Alll of the crazy thoughts that had just run through my head, were my thoughts- my fears- my insecurities. I owed it to him to answer his question as best I could.
I took a long and deep breath. I wiped the tears from my eyes and I tried so hard to keep my voice from cracking. All that I could think to say to him was to reassure him that if there was anything, anything, that I could have done to save and protect his brothers, Aiden and Jeremiah, I would have. I told him that sometimes sad things happen and we just don't know why. I told him that I felt so blessed to have him and his brother, Gabe, here with us.
---------------------------
I don't know if that was the right thing to say and I'm sure I will replay this conversation over in my head many, many times. I will come up with better responses and I will wish that I had said this or that, but I'm learning too. I don't have all the answers.
---------------------------
And then, again, from the back seat I heard Gavin say, "Mom, what do you think is the biggest thing on the earth?"
---------------------------
And so the story goes...
There was silence in the car. Pure silence- for what seemed like forever. The world stopped moving and my mind began spinning- twirling in fast-paced motion. So many thoughts raced through my mind, but I was speechless.
I wasn't prepared for this question. It came out of nowhere. There was no conversation leading up to it. I simply didn't see it coming and didn't know how to answer it.
Thank goodness my husband was seated beside me. I think he saw the color leave my face and in an instant, the tears welled up in my eyes. If there was ever a time that I needed him to speak for me, this was it. And thankfully, he did. It took every fiber in my being to remain focused on the road.
My world shattered and I was crushed. In an instant, I was afraid Gavin pegged me for being a fraud and a failure. Many of my insecurities rose to the surface. My face became flushed with shame, guilt and embarrassment. Gavin has seen several friends and acquaintances of ours recently have babies. It was like he asked, "Why can they have babies, but you can't? What's wrong with you?"
As a mother, my greatest job is to protect my children and my child just realized that I was unable to do that for his brothers. How will he ever trust me again to protect him? In a flash, I feared that I broke his trust and this promise to him.
The question that Gavin had asked, shot threw me like a dagger. His question was innocent, but I felt like I was being accused and acknowledged for the failure that I am. I struggle with feeling like a failure and now, Gavin knows that I am one too.
Although this is not at all what Gavin said, it was like I heard, "Mom, you killed my brothers, Aiden and Jeremiah. How will you ever protect me?"
------------------------------
I have no idea how my husband answered Gavin's question. I completely zoned out and tears fell down my cheeks.
-----------------------------
As I drove, guilt consumed me. A part of me wanted to just throw my hands up (not out of anger, but out of despair) and say, "You're right. I am a failure. My babies die."
Logically, I know that I did everything possible to save our little boys, but there is still a very natural feeling of guilt that I have for not being able to protect my children. Aiden and Jeremiah were perfectly healthy little boys. My body failed them. I live with this thought every day.
-----------------------------
After a few minutes, there was silence again in the car and I knew that I, myself, had to acknowledge and answer Gavin's question. I don't know if he was able to see my reaction to his question. I don't know if he saw that I was crying. But I do know that I want him to be able to ask me anything that is on his mind and to not be afraid. Alll of the crazy thoughts that had just run through my head, were my thoughts- my fears- my insecurities. I owed it to him to answer his question as best I could.
I took a long and deep breath. I wiped the tears from my eyes and I tried so hard to keep my voice from cracking. All that I could think to say to him was to reassure him that if there was anything, anything, that I could have done to save and protect his brothers, Aiden and Jeremiah, I would have. I told him that sometimes sad things happen and we just don't know why. I told him that I felt so blessed to have him and his brother, Gabe, here with us.
---------------------------
I don't know if that was the right thing to say and I'm sure I will replay this conversation over in my head many, many times. I will come up with better responses and I will wish that I had said this or that, but I'm learning too. I don't have all the answers.
---------------------------
And then, again, from the back seat I heard Gavin say, "Mom, what do you think is the biggest thing on the earth?"
---------------------------
And so the story goes...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)