Slow down!

Today was a hard day.  Life is moving too fast.

Prior to losing Jeremiah, I was looking forward to the fall.  I had pictured me with a round belly taking Gavin to the bus stop, dropping Gabe off at preschool and sharing our excitement for our new arrival with our boy's teachers and friends.  I was looking forward to taking Gavin and Gabe school shopping.  I was anticipating some level of bedrest so, I bounced different ideas around in my head about how Tom and I were going to manage drop-offs and pick-ups with the boys.  I imagined a lot of different things.

All of those ideas are irrelevent now.  My fall is going to be so different that I had pictured.

I'm not ready for all of this change.  I'm not ready for Gavin to go to school all day.  The emotional and fearful part of me feels like I am losing another little boy.  I've had lunch with Gavin nearly every day for the past six and a half years.  All that is coming to an end.

As I went to Gavin's Parent Information Night tonight, I was reminded that, ready or not, time is moving and unfortunately I have to keep up even though I don't feel like there is any way that I can.

After our meeting at the school, I drove separately from Tom and the boys, and we went to the store to get school supplies for the boys.  I knew I needed to be alone for a few minutes and let some of the emotion within me come out.  So, for the quick ten minute drive to the store, I cried.  I released.  I begged life to slow down and wait for me.  I need more time!  It's so hard to keep up!

So, instead of sharing our excitement with our boys teachers this fall, I will share that our baby died.  Gavin and Gabe's little brother died.  Jeremiah is dead. 

Kids are often asked to share about their families and I want their teachers to be prepared for however Gavin and Gabe decide to describe their family.  It's hard enough for me to answer that question!

The reality that Gavin and Gaabe have had to experience and feel death at such a young age angers me.  It's just not fair.  I feel as though a huge part of their innocence has been taken from them.  At some point, I imagine I will have a nice long conversation with God about that.  I bounce back and forth with my faith.  I trust God and all that He does, but I have every right to be angry about it at the same time.  The anger is at bay right now, but I imagine it will come to a boil at some point.  God will be ready for me, that I know...

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This evening as I walked across our yard, I looked down at my feet and I stepped through the dewy grass.  I noticed two little, white moths following along with me.  One on my right side and one on my left. 

A smile crept across my face.  It reminded me that as lonely as I feel at times, my boys, Aiden and Jeremiah are with me... every step I take.