A Dream

It's funny how your mind can play tricks on you.  You know the feeling...  Waking up from a wonderful dream only to realize that it was just that- a dream.

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Yesterday, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, we went to a memorial service to remember and honor Aiden and Jeremiah.  It was a beautiful service- filled with music and poems, a candle lighting ceremony and we even the opportunity to go up and say our little boys names out loud (something we won't have the opportunity to do nearly enough).  After the indoor service, we went outside with many other families and we released two doves for our boys.

At some point, in the midst of these activities, I was sitting and listening.  My eyes were closed and Gabe was quietly nestled on my lap- my arms were wrapped around him.  It was in this moment that my mind wandered and for a brief, fleeting moment, I felt as if I was embracing Jeremiah. 

It was Jeremiah sitting on my lap.  I stroked his hair and held him tight.  I let myself imagine our little Jeremiah, at 4 years old, sitting on my lap.  I felt the weight of his body on mine. 

It was beautiful.  My heart was full.

And then, the moment ended...

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It's hard for me to find fitting words to describe moments like these.  They are truly bittersweet.

I know that Aiden and Jeremiah are with me.  It sounds so cliche, but I carry them in my heart.  Truly, I carry them.  And maybe even more so, they carry me.

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I miss my boys.  That will never end.