It is so hard to think that it has been ten years. In some ways it feels like Aiden's birth was just moments ago, but in other ways... Wow. It feels like it was a lifetime ago.
I barely remember who I was before I became Aiden's mom and I'm okay with that because he has enriched my life so fully. God has used our little boy's life and death to teach me more than I could have ever dreamed it would. Being Aiden's mom has been the most rewarding and impactful experience of my life.
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I came across this quote a while ago:
“Every true cross-bearer learns to carry his cross as if it were an ornament rather than a burden, and finds after a time that it carries him. It gives more strength to him than he gives to it.”----------------------------------
- Mrs. Charles Cowman
It's may seem strange to relate the death of our son as an ornament, but I do. Ornaments are adored, cherished and admired. They often hold significance, special meanings or sweet and precious memories.
The day that Aiden was born holds some of my most precious memories, but it was also the day that my heart was ripped from my body. It was the day that my heart was truly broken and shattered to pieces.
In the years following Aiden's death, I greatly missed the person I used to be. I missed my innocence and the old me. But mostly, I missed my son. Nothing made sense to me.
Deep down I think a part of me always knew that there was more to Aiden's life that my feelings of pain and sadness, but to describe our loss as an 'ornament' would not have crossed my mind. Losing our son was a heavy, heavy burden that quickly defined everything about me. My every waking moment was centered around his death and the emptiness I felt inside.
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Today when I think about our first-born son, I miss him deeply, but a smile often fills my heart and defines my face. I can speak about him without being overwhelmed by tears. I am so grateful and I thank God for every day that he was with us- for every single day that I carried him and felt his amazing kicks.
Over time, our loss- the unexpected, heart-wrenching twist that changed our lives into what we are living today- became something so much more than my grief. It is something that I am proud of. It has never been something that I hold onto for fear of forgetting his existence, but it is what I hold onto simply because this is our story and it's a beautiful story filled with so much hope, restoration and joy. Aiden was our gift and our ornament, and the truth is, he only makes Heaven that much sweeter.
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I wish I could say that it doesn't matter to me who remembers what, who speaks our son's name, who thinks about our little boy- because we do all those things and we forever will. There will always be a bit of a sadness in knowing that others will never know all the gifts that our son has to give and has given already. But, I know. I feel his presence with me every day. When I look in the mirror I see Aiden smiling back at me. And when you see me smiling at you, I hope that you see a part of him too.
So, for today- for every day, please don't be afraid to speak my son's name. His name is sweet music to my ears and I love to hear it.
Happy 10th birthday, Aiden! I look forward to the day that I will hold you in my arms again!
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