My grief is not as raw as is used to be, but it will forever be a part of me and my healing is very much a continuous and on-going process. I haven’t taken part in ‘Capture Your Grief’ before and was hesitant to do so this year, but I remember how alone and misunderstood I have felt in the past and in an attempt to save others from this hurt, I will share my heart and my journey throughout the month.
So, in honor of our boys, Aiden and Jeremiah, and in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, here we go...
There are 31 subjects for Capture Your Grief, one for each day in the month of October. I will try to share a photo that captures my journey with each daily subject that inspires my heart.
Day 2: Heart
{ Aiden Robert Roth July 2, 2004 } ----- {
Jeremiah Oliver Roth August 4, 2011 }
I had so many dreams for you two! My
heart swelled the moment I knew of your existence. Your lives and the places
that your lives and deaths have taken me has filled my faith to overflowing.
You have enriched my life and our family’s life beyond compare.
I thought I would be teaching Aiden
and Jeremiah about life and love, but it has completely been the other way
around. My two little boys, who never spoke a word, who never opened their eyes
to view the wonders of this world, have taught me more about life and love that
I could have imagined.
I carry your heart, baby boys. {I
carry it in my heart}
Day 3: Before
This picture is in the early weeks of
my pregnancy with Jeremiah (2011). I was in such a good place emotionally
having spent so many years working on healing and restoring my heart after the
loss of our first son, Aiden. I was physically the healthiest and fittest that
I had been in years too. I felt like I could take on the world! We were beyond
thrilled and filled with excitement and love for the little one growing in my
belly!
Each of my pregnancies has carried its
share of fear and anxiety because of our experience in losing our first son and
in knowing the difficulties that my body has carrying a child, but we were in
great medical care and any known medical concerns that we had were addressed
and being attended to. I was strong and we were ready for this little one!
In the back of my head I would try to
calm my fears and tell myself that we had lost one child already and there was
no way we would ever lose another. Oh, how I wish that was true...
 |
| 4th of July, 2014 - 2 days after we celebrated Aiden’s 10th birthday in heaven. |
Day 4: Now
I am very much a work in progress, but
I love who I am today. My life isn’t perfect, my heart still hurts, but I have
been blessed with an abundantly beautiful life.
Somewhere along my grief journey I
made a choice to stop focusing on what I had lost, but to focus on what I had
gained. I would never choose to go through the heartache and devastation that
we went through again, but I am so grateful for the journey that my grief has
sent me on. My faith is stronger than it ever has been and I am thankful for
how God has shaped and changed my heart throughout my healing.
Day 5: Journal
Journaling is like having a window to
your soul. It is a place where you can give your emotions an outlet. It is a
place where your deepest thoughts can reside without fear of judgment or any
need for justification.
Journaling (blogging) has definitely had
a place in my grief and healing journey. I wish I could find (make) the time to
slow down, reflect and write more. There is such a great beauty in releasing
your thoughts and feelings to paper (or computer screen). I feel a sense of
strength and courage when I am able to look back and re-read my journal entries
and see the progress that I have made.
I don’t write or blog much these days,
but I have found that having a creative outlet can be just as fulfilling. I
love surrounding myself with words of inspiration and hope and it brings my
soul such a joy to be able to share these words of wisdom, that have helped and
encouraged me, with others.
Day 6: Books
I have read quite a few books in the
years since the loss of our boys, but one that really brought a lot of healing
to my heart was “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith. This book gave many of my
thoughts and feelings a voice that I hadn’t been able to find or pinpoint
before reading it. It brought me closer and helped me realize that there is a
very safe place with the Lord where we don't have to have all of the answers.
Read that again. Slowly. We don't need to have all of the answers. That was
HUGE for me.
God
is perfectly capable of revealing Himself in His time. I don't need to try to
fill all the gaps. I believe that these gaps in our understanding are there to
serve as opportunities to lean into Him despite the gaps being there. I had
been leaning into God as I was grieving and healing my heart, but this book and
the stories shared within its pages encouraged me to lean into my faith and
trust God even more.
Day 7: Sacred Place
I still remember the very first time
we attended Eagle Brook Church. The worship music started and my heart was
overwhelmed with a comfort and peace that I had desperately yearned and
searched for in the years after we lost Aiden. Tears streamed down my cheeks
and I knew that I had finally found a safe place. I felt like I was ‘home.’
Years later, I am still moved to tears nearly every single week during the worship music. That same comfort and peace fills my heart and I know that my boys are with me in those moments. I close my eyes, reach out my hands beside me and imagine my little boys holding my hands as we sing and worship together. I can feel them with me. These are some of my most sacred and cherished moments.
Years later, I am still moved to tears nearly every single week during the worship music. That same comfort and peace fills my heart and I know that my boys are with me in those moments. I close my eyes, reach out my hands beside me and imagine my little boys holding my hands as we sing and worship together. I can feel them with me. These are some of my most sacred and cherished moments.
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