In This Skin

I am so uncomfortable in my own skin right now. 

I wish so badly that I could just run and hide.  Hide from you.  Hide from me.  Just run and hide from this pain and brokenness that I feel inside that is consuming me.  I hate feeling this way.  I'd like to believe that I am a happy and optimistic person, but not these days.  These days the feelings I have brewing inside of me are so far from the 'normal' me that I don't know how to swallow or digest them.  I am reminded that I must find a way to let joy and sadness sit side-by-side in my heart and my being.  I have achieved this before, and I have the belief and hope that I will get there again.

But for today, I am moving through each day in slow motion, with deep resistance.  I don't want to move.  But again, I know I have to.  I have two beautiful boys in front of me that need me and two beautiful boys in heaven that I hope to make proud.
 
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

As difficult as it is, I will continue to TRUST in this.

Yesterday as Gavin and Gabe played downstairs, I cooked dinner and let the tears roll down my cheeks.  It hurts beyond comprehension to do every day normal things.  So tonight, in an effort to escape a repeat of last nights dinner preparation, we went out to eat.  Unfortunately this simple act brings with itself another difficult, uncomfortable task.

As we entered the restaurant, I wondered if our favorite server, Sam, would be there.  Last time we saw him, Gavin and Gabe excitedly shared with him that they were going to be big brothers.  Part of me hoped that he would be there so that we could tell him our sad news and get that uncomfortable conversation out of the way.  I definitely breathed a sigh of relief when we saw that Sam wasn't working though.  I guess we can save that conversation for another evening.

As I type these words, I feel empty.  My brain is on over-drive, but there are no clear thoughts running through my head. 

What should I be doing? 

What should I be feeling? 

I don't know the answers. 

'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me -2 Corinthians 12:9

I hear this and I believe it. 

The difficult part is feeling it. 

I am trying.  But with empty arms and an aching heart, I'm here to tell you, it's hard...