Finally. I sit here tonight with tears streaming down my face. My heart hurts. Tom and the boys are sleeping and I sit here weeping and crying out to God.
I have so much support around me, yet I feel so alone.
I wanted our baby boy so much. I miss him. I really do.
There are so many moments that I had pictured in my mind that will never be: I will never see Jeremiah's first smile or his first tooth. There are no diapers to change. I will never hear his sweet giggle or see the twinkle in his eye. I will never hold his sweet little hands as he takes his first steps. There will be no bubble baths. No spills to clean up. No first haircut. There will be no games of peek-a-boo that end in fits of laughter. There will be no first day of school.
Gavin and Gabe will never get to teach their little brother how to roll over, sit up or learn to crawl.
All of these moments and many more flashed before my eyes within minutes of finding out that we were pregnant. As I carried Jeremiah in my womb, these moments became more and more vivid and tonight, sitting here in our quiet house, they flash before me once again. Etched and echoing in my mind.
My dreams for Jeremiah have been silenced.
It hurts.
I hurt.
---------------------------------------
Dear God,
I place my wounded heart and my hurt in Your hands. I know that You did not cause the hurt in my life, but I know that You have the power to heal it. Take my weaknesses and turn them into my strengths. Heal my heart and help make me whole again!
Although I will always carry these scars, I know that You have a purpose for me and for my life… and it is not to walk around with pain and sadness. God if you can use me, I am willing.
Help show me the way.
No comments:
Post a Comment