I'm still struggling with letting myself feel and releasing my emotions: So, my goal for right now is to let the tears fall and to let my emotions out.
So much of my identity has been connected to the healing that I have experienced in the years since Aiden died. My life has finally felt purposeful and beautiful again. I have been filled with hope. This has been such an amazing gift! It was a gift from God and a gift from Aiden- a gift to myself that I searched high and low for. It was a gift that after years of heartache and searching, I found.
It is so hard for me to let go of this. I am in a bit of denial because, let's be honest, this isn't something that I have the ability to hold onto or let go of in this moment. It's already been ripped away from me. The person I was two months ago, is not who I am today. I can try to be in denial of this fact, but it's true. As much as I resist where my life is right now, it is what it is.
I need to remember that this moment is temporary. I need to just be and try to be okay with that.
I seem to have decided somewhere along the way since Jeremiah died that my tears are a sign of pain and only pain. I seem to have forgotten the healing and beauty that tears carry with them. I literally take a few deep breaths when my eyes fill with tears and usually push the rush of emotions away. I rarely am able to let my body just release them.
I am holding on. Keeping all of the pain inside me. Buried. I've lost my son and in order to grieve this loss I feel like I lose my identity too. I know that there is so much more to me than being a mother to two little boys in heaven, but being in the midst of my grief, I don't see clearly or truely remember what more there is to me.
I keep asking myself what is wrong with me. Why can't I feel more? On one hand I want to feel and on the other I feel like I refuse to feel.
I can't have it both ways.
Is it because of fear? Maybe. Because of denial? Probably.
It is not because I think tears are a sign of weakness. It's the opposite really. In other situations in my life being able to cry and release is a sign of intuitiveness, a beautiful vulnerablility and a sign of strength. Maybe I don't trust myself to be strong enough to deal with the pain that surfaces with the tears???
But again, I must remember that tears are active. They are a process. They are a release and a cleansing. They are God's gift to us. My tears are not pain. They are a release of the pain.
So, when I feel a rush of emotion come over me and I instinctively push it away, I am going to ask myself: Is Jeremiah worth these tears? The answer is so simple. Yes. Absolutely.
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A couple nights ago, some dear friends of ours shared the exciting news that they are expecting a baby. As I told Gavin and Gabe this, I could see the wheels spinning in Gabe's head. A look of excitement, confusion, and sadness swept across his face in the matter of seconds...
As he tried to process what I was telling him, he asked if we were going to get the baby. Sadness filled his eyes as I told him that their baby would not be ours.
I continue to hope that someday we will have another little baby to join our family. Someday we will be able to give that gift to Gavin and Gabe.
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Gavin said to me the other day: "Mom, I'm glad that I got to meet Jeremiah."
Me too, Gavin. Me too. You are and would have been an amazing big brother to Jeremiah and someday you two will run hand in hand together in paradise. It will be a beautiful sight to see.
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Another Gabe comment: "Mom, I didn't die in your belly, but Jeremiah did."
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