Preparing to decorate the Christmas tree the other day sent me on an emotional rollercoaster ride. A ride mixed with joy, despair, sadness, and hope. It's amazing at times that all of these emotions can come out and fill a person at once. But, they do.
Preparing to decorate the Christmas tree reminded me of how much I long to have a connection to my little boys in heaven. It reminded me of how much I need to have them, in whatever way possible, be a part of my today and a part of my future.
I look for signs of them all around me.
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A couple months ago, and a couple months after we lost Jeremiah, I was tearfully talking with my husband telling him that I was just so sad and unhappy. At that time, he asked me if I could remember the last time that I did feel happy. Sadly, I had to pause and really think about it.
I realized that it had been months since I had last been "happy." And I realized that the last time that I had truly felt happy was when we, as a family, visited the Science Museum. It was just a day or two before I delivered Jeremiah. It was a day that I had the pleasure of witnessing the awe and amazement on the faces of our little boys as they viewed each exhibit. It was a day that I walked around secretly sharing dreams with and visions of the little one in my belly. It was a day or two before my world shattered (again). I think back on it as a bittersweet moment of innocence.
During and after our visit to the museum, Gavin and Gabe excitedly talked about coming back and showing the baby that was to be joining our family all of the dinosaur bones and all of the other cool stuff they saw! They were filled with joy thinking about sharing these things with their little brother or sister and so was I!
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Today, we decided to visit the Science Museum again. A simple excursion, but nonetheless, it was one that filled me with anxiety. The last time we were there, I was emotionally on a high- filled with happiness and anticipation. I just wasn't sure how I would respond as we walked though the museum doors.
Would I be able to enjoy and appreciate all of the things that I did the last time we were there? Or would I be filled with dread and sadness thinking about all the moments that I will never share with our little boy?
Thankfully, I am here and I am able to say that today was a joyful day. Although there is definitely a sadness and heaviness in my heart, I was still able to smile as I sat on the floor with Gavin and Gabe learning all about volcanoes and lava. I was able to laugh as we opened a little door and were ''sneezed" on. And I laughed again as Gavin accidentally found the piano steps and quickly jumped off thinking he did something wrong!
Amazingly, as we explored the Science Museum, I was able to be fully present in the moment that was before me. I was able to fully be present to witness the joy that Gavin and Gabe were experiencing.
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And even more amazingly, I was surprised by a little "hello" from our precious Jeremiah when I least expected it...
As we turned a corner, we were greeted by a sign with the image of a beautiful peacock feather on it. The peacock feather has become an image that I have chosen to connect me to Jeremiah. Some people feel their loved ones presence in a gentle breeze or when they see a butterfly or a rainbow. I feel Jeremiah's presence when I see peacock feathers.
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So, today, I feel blessed and thankful to have received a little "hello" from Jeremiah. And today, that fills me with a little hope and a little peace... Two things that I am greatly in need of.
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