The tunnel

I've decided that this isn't a roller coaster ride that I am on.  Although a roller coaster ride if often filled with twists and turns (which I am facing), there's far too much excitement connected to roller coaster rides.  And, there's nothing exciting about what I am going through.

What I am going through feels much more like a long and narrow, black tunnel.  An underground tunnel that has covered me with dirt and despair.  It feels suffocating.  There's so much darkness on this journey that sometimes, I just don't know which way is up or out. 

I keep crawling and climbing, searching for the light, but many days it feels it doesn't matter how hard I push through.  It doesn't matter how much I pursue the light.  It just feels like I simply can't get there.  I see glimses of the light, glimses of happiness, but at the end of the day, I feel covered in the darkness once again. I am suffocating. 

The fire within me has been dampened by tears and sorrow. 

I so badly want to be free from this deep pain, but it's not something that I can shake off or just choose to go away.  I wish I could.

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Closure?

Closure, our culture tells us, will bring about a tidy ending, a sense of completion.  I would like to neatly seal away all of this pain.  I would like to close all of the sad, confused, desperate, angry feelings out of my life.  I would like to put all of this pain behind me.

Closure.

What an odd concept really, as if we could truly close the door on pain... just turn the lock and throw away the key.  The truth is far more complex, of course.  Closure is for business deals.  Closure is for real estate transactions.  Closure is not for feeling or for people we love.

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I am not searching or hoping for closure, instead I am hoping for--- longing for--- praying for--- healing and restoration.